Choices… and Changes

Posted Fri Feb 5, 2010 in Ruminations

I’m up much too early this morning. It happens, especially when I fall asleep at 2030 the night before. I can’t sleep more than about six hours at a time. I don’t know whether my mind activates after six hours or this old body just can’t stay in one place any longer¹.

I was reading The Preacher via his RSS feed this morning. I still try to keep up with Atkinson’s writing because his writing does something for me. He recently decided to leave the pastorate (of his church in San Antonio) and turn his energy toward writing full time. I understand the challenge of this decision and the internal tearing after spending a long time (20 years in his case) doing something.

There is a parallel between his life and mine. I spent 14 years at Texas Tech University teaching young civil engineers. It was a good job and something I felt “called” to do. In the beginning, I had a lot of enthusiasm and energy and spent both freely on my academic career. I was never a stellar performer as an academic — I didn’t publish enough of my work. The hassle of the publication process (which is laborious) was never worth the reward.

Then came some family issues followed by several years of clinical depression. The church we’d be part of for years took a nose dive. During this period of time my post-tenure review came up and I garnered poor marks, nearly being put into a “remediation plan.” A personnel issue arose that did not seem to have resolution. Daughter and her family moved far away.

The depression eased (or I found some resolution) but the other struggles remained. I found that I no longer enjoyed the classroom like I had initially. The bad-actors finally wore me down. I no longer wanted to go to work everyday and the only part of my work that I enjoyed was my research program. I suspect I had burned out, but could not find a way to recharge.

Eventually I decided to leave academics. In truth I probably needed a year or two of something else to do — some mechanic to allow me to recharge my intellectual, emotional, and spiritual batteries. I didn’t find that mechanism and when an opportunity to switch directions and work in another part of my field arose, I took it — for better or for worse.

I think that Atkinson’s path parallels my own in some fashions. I know he’s dealt with depression because he writes about it. I know how the ebb of energy can sap the enthusiasm for the work, particularly people-work like pastoring (notice I didn’t say preaching). The time came when he finally realized he couldn’t or shouldn’t do it anymore, so he made a decision. That decision probably didn’t come easily. I suspect it came hard and with a lot of soul-searching and prayer.

In the end I hope this works out for Atkinson. In the same way I hope it works out for me. I don’t know and can’t know if it will because we only move forward in time and our foresight is relatively short. But, we soldier on, which is what we’re tasked to do.

Vaya con Dios, Gordon Atkinson, and may God shine his light on your path.

¹ It’s true that I don’t stay put for long periods of time. At work (whether at home or the office) I get up and move around about every half-hour or so. It might just be to hit the head, refresh my coffee (or other drink), or just move about to think. But, I don’t stay planted very long.