Grief Work

I think my proposal is about done. It’s handed off to the administrative staff for processing. I’ll drive down to the office in a few minutes to pick up my mail, check in, sign things, and coordinate. Then I’ll drive to Carson City for a site walk before I write another proposal, probably pick up my geocache for today (to keep my streak going), and then return home to finish my day.

I’m tired after all the intense writing and coordination. I need to fall back and regroup, once again.

Yesterday I called one of my subcontractors to discuss his role in the proposal. I hadn’t talked to him in a couple-three years. I had to relate the loss of Wife, after all the grief-work that morning. It went pretty well for me. He was shocked and dismayed at my loss, but I was able to convey that her death was a good death. I mean that she wasn’t going to get better and that it was selfish of me to try to hang on to her just to have her physical presence. The lymphoma took her ability to interact long before it took her life.

I think he understood that.

After I finished my work on the proposal and supporting documents this morning, I paused and decided to put a new ebook-pdf on my iPad so I can read it. (It won’t work on my Kindle.) In the process of looking through my GoodReader library, I noticed a lot of fossils. So, I started cleaning them up. (This is one way for me to process/regroup after a big push on something.)

I found one of the articles on non-Hodgkins lymphoma I downloaded and read. Immediately, the anxiety and hopelessness of my feelings from that time returned. I recall so well what I thought and how I felt during my processing of the medical literature that dealt with Wife’s disease. I deleted the file — it’s no longer needed.

Now I need to examine and process my emotions. This is not a bad thing; it is important and appropriate for me to bring these feelings up and process them. I need to feel them if I’m going to heal. I need to share them to let them out so they can disappear into the air. (I visualize them as wisps of vapor that float away and dissipate.)

I suspect some folks won’t understand that. I’m confident that some of my colleagues have no idea. One of them went to far as to tell me “turn that frown upside down” one day. I think she meant well and probably thought she was encouraging. I restrained myself from blasting her or throwing something.

It reminds me of my clinical depression. Someone once told me “if you just had enough faith, God would heal you of this.” I didn’t strangle the person only because I didn’t have the energy. Of course, had I been healthy and had the energy, it wouldn’t have been an issue. (There is a conundrum for you!)

Now I’m going to take a break before I head off to get the next thing done.