The Weakest Buffalo

Posted 08:00 PST Fri May 9, 2008 in

From a friend… But I’ll bet you can guess the source…

‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members.

“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

“And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Lie-Detecting Robot

Posted 08:00 PST Wed May 7, 2008 in

From a friend…

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

About 5:30 that afternoon Tommy, their 11-year-old son returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late…

“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” they asked.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”

“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called Sex Queen.”

“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times.

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Zen of Sarcasm

Posted 08:00 PST Sat May 3, 2008 in

A co-worker sent these along. Some are good enough the whole lot is being shared…

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
  3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
  12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
  14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Abuse of Logic

Posted 06:00 PST Sat Apr 26, 2008 in

Every now and again, a funny story comes along that illustrates logical problems. This one is good…

Scientific News Item

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: “California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

One week later, The ‘Newport Daily Independent’, a local newspaper in Arkansas, reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Jacksonport in Jackson County, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arkansas had already gone wireless.”

Without beating a dead horse (so to speak), this is exactly the same line of logic abuse that made the Witch Scene in Holy Grail (here and here) so funny. “So, if she weighs the same as a duck, she must be…”

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When Plotters Go Bad

Posted 08:00 PST Mon Apr 21, 2008 in

When plotters go badThe law of unintended side effects is alive and well. On Friday, the technician issued an email that a some large plots would be sent to the annex-office plotter. As I worked through my email this morning, this came into my inbox.

Clearly, no one expected a paper hang to dump plots all over the floor. However, I’ve been around computer equipment and watched the interaction of computer equipment and printing/plotting equipment enough times to know, I mean know that paper-handling is a huge issue.

It will be interesting to see if there is any email response to this. Although I think it’s funny, if it was me I’d be embarrassed.

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The Old Preacher

Posted 16:30 PST Sun Apr 6, 2008 in

From a friend…

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky, and
a Playboy magazine

‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself, ‘when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard,and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered, ‘He’s gonna run for Congress!’

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Floor Sort

Posted 08:00 PST Thu Apr 3, 2008 in

I sat at my desk working this morning when I heard a loud rustle of papers — the sound of papers dropping to the floor. I laughed “That didn’t sound good!”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” came the reply.

I was reminded of a term we used in the computer center where I worked in the late 1970’s. The term was floor sort and referred to what happened when a box of Hollerith cards were dropped to the floor.

It’s a play on words because one of the most useful programs computers run is a simple sort. When I studied programming, I learned how to do several varieties of sorts — bubble sort, quick sort, insertion sort, and a couple of others. A floor sort is really no sort at all, but somehow the idea is funny.

There were two basic types of floor sorts. The first is referenced above — one or more boxes of cards are dropped and scatter across the floor. That nearly always brought barely-stifled snickers from those around, particularly those who’ve done a floor sort.

The other type occurred when a card hung in the output hopper of the hallway card reader. The remaining cards in the job were shot from the reader to drift to the floor. If the operator was quick, the job was stopped and no more cards read. However, most of the users of the hallway card reader were amateurs and couldn’t find the stop button quickly enough. A few hundred cards might escape before the machine was shut down.

This also brought muffled snickers from bystanders, so long as they weren’t within striking distance.

I managed to escape execution of a floor sort… somehow.

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