On Monday-morning walkies, the Girl and I paused at the neighbors’ sunflowers. The light was interesting and I had the Pentacon 50/1.8 on my Sony NEX-5N.
The capture was pretty straightforward. I shot the flower at f2.8, f4, and f5.6. I believe this is the f5.6 shot. It’s decently sharp and has good image quality.
It’s a good lens and focuses quite close.
Monday morning I decided to take my camera along on morning walkies. I haven’t been carrying the camera given the really crappy atmospheric conditions the last week and change. But, the Rim Fire seems to be producing less smoke, or at least we’re getting less smoke here in Carson City. So, I thought a bit more walk would be good and there might be a few things worthy of a capture.
My friend Jimmy gave me this Pentacon 50mm f1.8 lens to shoot. I was going to shoot the Prakitcar 135mm f2.8 that I also have from him, but it’s in a Practica B-mount and I don’t have an adapter. [Aside: I ordered an adapter from Hong Kong this morning. I should be able to shoot the Prakticar in a week or two. It looks like good glass.]
So, I put the Pentacon 50/1.8 on my Sony NEX-5N and headed off. The Girl waited more or less patiently… well, less patiently this morning. She was ready for walkies.
With the improving atmospheric quality I elected to walk a bit more than we have been. The smoke really bothers me. It was a good walk and I found some pretty flowers along the way. I never tire of the colors that flowers present. It was overcast this morning. so the light was quite flat. Yet, I think that’s some of the best light for flowers.
The Pentacon has some interesting image quality. It’s not the sharpest lens in my collection wide open. It’s adequate, though. However, it has some interesting bokeh. I’m not sure if it’s good or not as it borders on the busy. Yet, I find this particular image interesting enough to share.
I woke a bit late this morning, having spent the night struggling with my dreams. Twice I woke with a start, knowing that a dream woke me but not remembering the content that startled me awake. So, I rose about 0630, took my morning medications, made some coffee, and retired to my workroom to write in my journal, wake, and pray.
I took care of my Girl and we did a short walk, enjoying the (clearer) air. It was a pleasant morning with most of the smoke off to the east, driven there by the westerly winds.
We returned to the house and I opened the garage door to let in the cool air and light. I am determined to get through all these damned boxes. I want to be able to park my 4Runner in the garage.
There were a few boxes marked that they contained holiday decorations. I pulled one of them over to the staging table and opened it. In it I found more family traditions. I started another box for Daughter because I know she doesn’t want these things to get away. I also know that sometime Older Son and Young Son will establish their own households and traditions and might want some of these things. I selected a few things for myself.
I now have one box of Christmas decorations/things that I want to keep. I will purchase a small tree to celebrate the season about Thanksgiving and spend an hour or two decorating it. It will be a part of my tribute to Wife and her love of that holiday season.
The remaining things I sorted and either packed for Daughter or elected to donate to Goodwill. I then sorted through the fall and other holiday decorations. They were not as challenging because Wife loved Christmas the most. The other holidays were special too, but just not in the same way.
The holiday boxes dealt with and two loads hauled to Goodwill today, I pulled open a box labeled MB Miscellaneous Things, Store. I was unprepared for what I found.
In it were Wife’s high school diploma, a number of her awards and certificates from that time, and her college diploma. I felt the grief rise in me and spent some time weeping and talking to my Girl. She feels the intensity, I know, I can tell by watching her.
How does one deal with such things of the deceased? I have no idea. I found another box from my collection that is better suited to storing these things and carefully stowed them in my bedroom closet. I will want to do something with these things this winter when it’s too cold to do much outside or in the garage. I am also not ready to make decisions about what to do with her things.
The smoke worsened as the day wore on. So, I came inside and began processing another box of old records. In it I found old records of the houses we bought and sold over the years. I found many, many old records of things like utilities. I filled the shredder’s bin twice and emptied it.
These things represent a portion of our history as a family. They should have been discarded years ago, but were not. As I worked through the old files, I was again filled with sadness that so much is past. That is the nature of life, I suppose.
I should be nowhere near the sunset of my life. But one never knows. That’s the uncertainty of living and God gave pretty good instruction about it. So, I try to not dwell on that and to just live right now.
That is my task — to live only in the moment; not the past nor the future. It’s really hard to do, sometimes. I miss Wife so much and dealing with these things reminds me of what is gone. It reminds me that I cannot know what is next — that only God knows what’s next for me. I sure wish I had a peek at what’s coming, though. I’d really like good, simple direction on what I’m supposed to do and where I’m headed.
The truth is, of course, that such direction is not forthcoming and is the antithesis of faith. Yet, I struggle with that.
During my struggle, though, I continue processing the things here that need to be dealt with. I think that’s my task for now. When it’s done, perhaps God will show me a bit of what I’m supposed to be doing next, even if that’s just sitting put. I would like to know.
This weekend has been a lot harder than I expected. The struggle makes me ever more determined to finish what I’ve started, no matter how challenging. I can see that I’m getting closer to being able to park my 4Runner in the garage. I’m also lightening my load substantially with each load that goes out of the house.
These are good things, even if they are hard. Perhaps this is part of my processing of my grief. I’m OK with that.