Flutterbye

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Yard OrnamentI’ve been working at home a lot the last few weeks. With all the smoke from the Rim Fire, I didn’t want to go down into the valley south from my house. The smoke was always worse there. I have remnants of my childhood asthma to this day and atmospheric conditions like heavy smoke are just not healthy.

So I worked from home. The truth is that I have a better place to work at home than I do at the office. One of the advantages of setting up my own workspace is that I can make it the way I want it. It’s just not like that at an office. In addition, I have control over my environment. I can play a little music lightly while I work. This is good because of my tinnitus. I don’t disturb anyone with my music. I make my own coffee and use the brand I like. I am uninterrupted by my neighbors. I have a quiet house, which means I have a quiet workspace.

As I wrote before, I don’t need anyone looking over my shoulder to ensure I’m working. I’ve been autonomous most of my life and nothing is different now.

The space gives me opportunity to grieve when it’s necessary. I have a profound sadness with the loss of Wife that just doesn’t go away. It’s not awful, but I know what is lost. That’s not going to change. I’m learning to live with it. It will take a long time for this to pass, if it ever does.

“You can have what’s second best, but it’s hard to get enough.” says the David Wilcox lyric. It’s simply true. I had no idea it would be worked out this way in my life.

Butterfly IIIMonday I broke for lunch about noon. It might have been 1230. It doesn’t matter. I haven’t been regimented in a long time. As I sat at the table eating a bite of lunch and looking out the window, reflectively, I noticed a butterfly come into the yard and begin working one of the butterfly bushes. I thought how excited Wife would have been, nearly as much as had a hummingbird come in. (I’ve seen several of them lately as well, and thought of Wife.)

I watched the beautiful insect working the small flowers, fluttering from one to another. I recalled how I learned to call them flutterbyes because of my dad. Wife and kids always got a big kick from that pun. I thought “I should go get my camera,” but elected to finish my bite instead.

When I did, the insect was still working the flowers. So I grabbed my camera (the Pentacon 50/1.8 happened to be on it) and went into the backyard. The light wasn’t great, but no matter. It was an opportunity. So I worked the flutterbye as it worked the flowers.

After a few frames, I decided to run back into the house and grab my Kiron 105/2.8 macro lens. It was already on a NEX adapter, so it was a quick switch to get out the bigger gun. I think f2.8 was a bit thin for depth of field, so I set the aperture to f5.6 and ran with it.

Butterfly II probably shot 35 frames before the insect had enough of the bush, or enough of me, and fluttered off to the other side of the house.

I returned indoors and set my camera aside. I cleaned up my noon mess and went back to work, reflecting on how much Wife would have enjoyed that and how she would have enjoyed the images. I can still hear her excited voice when a flutterbye would come into the yard. I know she tried to photograph them several times, but could never really get close enough.

I miss sharing these things with her. I always will. I hope you know I’m thinking of you, love. I hope you know…

Busy Saturday

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Oly 35/2 Test Shot``My sleep is currently running the split shift. I hit the rack about my normal time (2100), sleep until about 0200–0300, wake and am for a while, then return to bed and sleep a bit more. Lately I wake from dreaming. These are journaling opportunities and I usually sit at my work table with my fountain pen and journal and write what I remember and then think about what it might mean.

I think dreams are some combination of subconscious processing and subconscious communication. I am aware that the subconscious part of my mind is a tremendous storehouse of information not directly accessible to my conscious mind and a great powerhouse processor of those materials. I’m also aware that language is not the mode of communication for the subconscious/conscious link. Herein is where I think dreams can be important.

I have no doubt that I’m processing a lot of changes over the last two years. When Jimmy and I met for coffee yesterday (Yes!), he mentioned that he’s watched my changes over the last couple of years. I am processing a lot of changes, both the external and internal versions thereof.

But I am ahead of my story. After I finished my morning routine yesterday, I asked Young Son to watch over the Girl for a few minutes while I made a short errand run. I shipped three boxes to my distant children and bought a couple more heavy shelving units for the garage. It was just faster/easier without the Girl, although I missed her company (as always).

When I returned home (less than an hour), the Girl wiggled and jumped on me in excitement. I love how dogs are like that. Young Son and I assembled the shelves (only two minor mistakes that were easily rectified) and put a few of the remaining boxes on them.

There are still a few more boxes to sort through. Some of that material is the remaining portion of my journal paper library and I’ll simply scan those, then process them over the winter months. The paper can be discarded. There are also some more books in some boxes. I’ll need to open those, review them, and decide whether they are keepers or they are going away. There are still about 20 cartons of old records for me to go through and grind. I finished a box yesterday and will do another today.

I think I can arrange my garage with just a bit of work so that my 4Runner will fit inside and there will be room for me to use my exercise equipment.

I am about to enter a new phase of my life. I will continue to grieve the loss of Wife and will continue to miss her terribly for some time to come, perhaps forever. The initial purge of all the low-hanging fruit is nearly complete. I am almost done dealing with all those material things that needed dealing with. There will be a second (and maybe a third) purge, but that work will be more challenging (many decisions to be made) and can be done over the winter months because less outside (garage) work is required.

With my major tasks behind me, I will be free to pursue those things that interest me. As part of that path I want to get back to a regular exercise regimen. I can’t say I enjoy strength training, because the resistance of my body to being pushed hard is physically unpleasant at times. However, I take great satisfaction from completing each session and the physical and mental benefits are substantial.

I want that back in my life. I want the benefits that come from the regular discipline of exercise.

So with my garage substantially cleared of stored materials and my first purge coming to closure, I feel like I can redirect some of the time and energy consumed by that to regular exercise again. I think I need this both mentally and physically and I’m looking forward to the experience.

The afternoon was spent with my friend Jimmy, who completed his grueling Burning Man time. A part of his duties is to ferry RVs back and forth to the playa for his employer. God-only-knows how many round trips he makes every year and it’s a tough gig. So, he was happy to have a day off and I was happy to spend it talking to a friend over iced tea. The Girl was there with us and she enjoys Jimmy and the time out and about. I don’t think we solved all the world’s problems, but we sure examined a few of them.

It’s smoky again this morning, so a long walk probably won’t happen until the winds clear the valley this afternoon. But my Girl wants her kibbles and I want to get out into the garage and move a few more boxes around. I’ll probably spend some of my time this afternoon grinding old records and reducing that load. I also have my weekly chores to attend to.

I might be able to park my 4Runner in the garage this evening. That would be a first.

The image is a test shot made with a (new-to-me) Olympus Zuiko 35mm f2 manual focus lens. It’s not the sharpest lens in my collection, but it has interesting image quality and a fascinating bokeh.

Backlit Flowers

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Backlit Flowers

Yesterday morning, the Girl and I left the house for a short walk. Smoke from the Rim Fire hung in the air, not so badly as some mornings the last couple of weeks but bad enough that I didn’t want to be out in it very long. The neighbor’s flowers were backlit and had a bit of shadow behind them to give some contrast.

The glass was a Konica Hexanon 135mm f3.2 manual focus lens. The aperture was set about f4.

Dan Tyminski

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MercylandOne of the things to come out of a collection of music like Mercyland is that I am introduced to new musicians. Dan Tyminski is featured on Mercyland and his song is a standout, although they’re all very good.

I will be purchasing Tyminski’s recordings this week. I can’t wait to hear them. Bluegrass is fine by me.

Sunflower

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SunflowerOn Monday-morning walkies, the Girl and I paused at the neighbors’ sunflowers. The light was interesting and I had the Pentacon 50/1.8 on my Sony NEX-5N.

The capture was pretty straightforward. I shot the flower at f2.8, f4, and f5.6. I believe this is the f5.6 shot. It’s decently sharp and has good image quality.

It’s a good lens and focuses quite close.

Pentacon 50/1.8

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Morning WalkiesMonday morning I decided to take my camera along on morning walkies. I haven’t been carrying the camera given the really crappy atmospheric conditions the last week and change. But, the Rim Fire seems to be producing less smoke, or at least we’re getting less smoke here in Carson City. So, I thought a bit more walk would be good and there might be a few things worthy of a capture.

My friend Jimmy gave me this Pentacon 50mm f1.8 lens to shoot. I was going to shoot the Prakitcar 135mm f2.8 that I also have from him, but it’s in a Practica B-mount and I don’t have an adapter. [Aside: I ordered an adapter from Hong Kong this morning. I should be able to shoot the Prakticar in a week or two. It looks like good glass.]

So, I put the Pentacon 50/1.8 on my Sony NEX-5N and headed off. The Girl waited more or less patiently… well, less patiently this morning. She was ready for walkies.

With the improving atmospheric quality I elected to walk a bit more than we have been. The smoke really bothers me. It was a good walk and I found some pretty flowers along the way. I never tire of the colors that flowers present. It was overcast this morning. so the light was quite flat. Yet, I think that’s some of the best light for flowers.

The Pentacon has some interesting image quality. It’s not the sharpest lens in my collection wide open. It’s adequate, though. However, it has some interesting bokeh. I’m not sure if it’s good or not as it borders on the busy. Yet, I find this particular image interesting enough to share.

That Was Hard

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Silver Springs Sunset II woke a bit late this morning, having spent the night struggling with my dreams. Twice I woke with a start, knowing that a dream woke me but not remembering the content that startled me awake. So, I rose about 0630, took my morning medications, made some coffee, and retired to my workroom to write in my journal, wake, and pray.

I took care of my Girl and we did a short walk, enjoying the (clearer) air. It was a pleasant morning with most of the smoke off to the east, driven there by the westerly winds.

We returned to the house and I opened the garage door to let in the cool air and light. I am determined to get through all these damned boxes. I want to be able to park my 4Runner in the garage.

There were a few boxes marked that they contained holiday decorations. I pulled one of them over to the staging table and opened it. In it I found more family traditions. I started another box for Daughter because I know she doesn’t want these things to get away. I also know that sometime Older Son and Young Son will establish their own households and traditions and might want some of these things. I selected a few things for myself.

I now have one box of Christmas decorations/things that I want to keep. I will purchase a small tree to celebrate the season about Thanksgiving and spend an hour or two decorating it. It will be a part of my tribute to Wife and her love of that holiday season.

The remaining things I sorted and either packed for Daughter or elected to donate to Goodwill. I then sorted through the fall and other holiday decorations. They were not as challenging because Wife loved Christmas the most. The other holidays were special too, but just not in the same way.

The holiday boxes dealt with and two loads hauled to Goodwill today, I pulled open a box labeled MB Miscellaneous Things, Store. I was unprepared for what I found.

In it were Wife’s high school diploma, a number of her awards and certificates from that time, and her college diploma. I felt the grief rise in me and spent some time weeping and talking to my Girl. She feels the intensity, I know, I can tell by watching her.

How does one deal with such things of the deceased? I have no idea. I found another box from my collection that is better suited to storing these things and carefully stowed them in my bedroom closet. I will want to do something with these things this winter when it’s too cold to do much outside or in the garage. I am also not ready to make decisions about what to do with her things.

The smoke worsened as the day wore on. So, I came inside and began processing another box of old records. In it I found old records of the houses we bought and sold over the years. I found many, many old records of things like utilities. I filled the shredder’s bin twice and emptied it.

These things represent a portion of our history as a family. They should have been discarded years ago, but were not. As I worked through the old files, I was again filled with sadness that so much is past. That is the nature of life, I suppose.

I should be nowhere near the sunset of my life. But one never knows. That’s the uncertainty of living and God gave pretty good instruction about it. So, I try to not dwell on that and to just live right now.

That is my task — to live only in the moment; not the past nor the future. It’s really hard to do, sometimes. I miss Wife so much and dealing with these things reminds me of what is gone. It reminds me that I cannot know what is next — that only God knows what’s next for me. I sure wish I had a peek at what’s coming, though. I’d really like good, simple direction on what I’m supposed to do and where I’m headed.

The truth is, of course, that such direction is not forthcoming and is the antithesis of faith. Yet, I struggle with that.

During my struggle, though, I continue processing the things here that need to be dealt with. I think that’s my task for now. When it’s done, perhaps God will show me a bit of what I’m supposed to be doing next, even if that’s just sitting put. I would like to know.

This weekend has been a lot harder than I expected. The struggle makes me ever more determined to finish what I’ve started, no matter how challenging. I can see that I’m getting closer to being able to park my 4Runner in the garage. I’m also lightening my load substantially with each load that goes out of the house.

These are good things, even if they are hard. Perhaps this is part of my processing of my grief. I’m OK with that.

Dismantled Traditions

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Christmas ThingsToday dawned full of potential. It was my designated day to do more work in my garage. I am still purging things I will no longer need, will no longer use, and no longer want. The garage and the linen closet are the last bastions of this first effort. Then I will fall back, regroup, and decide if I want to do it again.

My thoughts there are the elimination of some furniture so that the contents of my house better align with the interior size and layout. I have a large chest of drawers and a dresser in my bedroom. That’s about 2.5 times the storage that I need. I could do with a small chest of drawers. There would then be room for a small chair where I could sit in the morning to put on my shoes or sit and read before bed or when I wake.

I have a huge leather sofa and overstuffed chair in my living room. They take up a large part of the room, particularly with the large ottoman that’s part of the set. Wife’s recliner is still in there (covered with the partially-digested collection of pictures that I’m sorting). Wife’s desk is still in the dining area, where it takes up room and acts as a catch-all.

The linen closet contains a mish-mash of old linens. I need to empty it, sort everything, haul off about 75 percent of it, and replace a few things with new. Much of the contents is 20-years old or more.

These are things I’ll deal with once the garage is completed. So, I rose early, made myself some coffee, and worked on waking up. I fed the Girl and cooked for myself. I sat at the table working through breakfast and praying. Wife died 32-weeks ago this morning. I reflected on that as I ate and prayed, thanking God for provision and asking for wisdom as I continue to think about what I want to do and what I should be.

I have no easy answers there. The truth is I’m just working for a paycheck at the moment and serving my integrity. I said I would stay on for awhile and so I will. But I struggle with lack of interest in my work. My self-discipline keeps me going, but neither my heart nor my mind is in the work. Most of it lacks intellectual interest and most of it is intellectually unchallenging. But, I digress. I prayed as I ate and talked to my Girl. I looked over my left should at my portraits of Wife and talked to them a bit as well. I felt sadness flow over me. It’s not the drowning, paralyzing sadness of depression, but deep realization that what I want I cannot have. It’s loss.

After I cleaned up, I had another coffee and looked down deep for some steel. I walked the Girl then we opened the garage door to let in the cool (and smoke-free) air, and I cleared the staging table I’ve been using for sorting. The boxes for today were our family Christmas decorations. I picked one off the stack and opened it. They haven’t been opened for a couple of years because we spent the holidays out of town in 2011 and only did a little decorating in 2012. So, most of the things had not been looked at for nearly three years.

Much of the things I knew I could load into the 4Runner for donation. I had three or four boxes in the car in a half-hour or an hour. Then I came across a couple of boxes that probably have deep meaning for my children. I pulled a few items out and photographed them. Then I sent them via text to Daughter and asked her about them. After a short chat, I decided to ship much of those things to her.

So I boxed them up and packed the fragile things carefully. Young Son came out and helped me seal the boxes so they would be prepared for shipment. We loaded them into the 4Runner as well. Then Young Son returned to the house to fix some food.

I stood in the garage for awhile, wondering whether another box should be opened and the contents dealt with. I realized that I had just dismantled our family Christmas traditions. My work was appropriate and justified. It is a good thing to pass on those things to Daughter, who will use some of them to carry on the family traditions. They will be there with her when Older Son and Younger Son are ready to share some of them.

I felt a profound sadness that this part of my life is ended. Last Christmas Wife said to me, “I think this will be my last Christmas.” I responded “It might be, we don’t really know.” But, I also felt the ending there as well. I knew a lot more than she did, but saw no reason to share that knowledge as there was nothing to be gained. It would change nothing we would do. So, I shared the time with her as best I could.

I have no idea what new traditions, if any, I will establish. This year there will be none. I’m considering going out of town for both holidays. I’m not sure I want to be in the house during that period of time without Wife here to share it with me.

After a time, I went into the house, refilled my water bottle, and gathered up my things. I drove over to the UPS store and posted the boxes for Daughter. Then the Girl and I drove into Carson to drop off the remaining things at FISH. We drove over to Sonic for a hamburger and a strawberry shake. (The Girl loves tater tots, so I shared.) Then I fired up Geosphere, located a nearby geocache, and we logged our find for the day.

I completed the 31 Days of Geocaching Event. I maintained my streak. I’m working at not being compulsive about geocaching, but maintaining a streak is an interesting thing. It gets me out and away from my usual haunts. It give the Girl and me a chance to explore someplace a little different, even if it’s local.

Now I need to get on with whatever is next. I think I’m going to empty the shredder and then work through some more of the old files. There’s a couple of hundred pounds of old paper that needs to be ground and disposed of. Those records are so old and useless. They’re just taking up space.

Mercyland

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MercylandNow and again, well, perhaps somewhat more often than that, I purchase some new music. Sometimes it’s by someone or a project that I am unfamiliar with.

Yesterday I was listening to Shawn Mullins’ Light You Up and heard The Ghost of Johnny Cash. The song was written by Phil Madiera. I knew I’d heard that name before, but couldn’t place it. Mullins’ web site had an album note about the song and a link to Madiera’s web site.

I bopped over there and read the bit about how the song came about. I was hooked. Anyone who can write (much less write a lyric like that) will get my eyes now and again.

I decided to check out some of his music and decided to purchase a copy of Mercyland, with the subtitle Hymns for the rest of us. It arrived this afternoon and is now ripped and in my iTunes library. (I have flacs too, in case I want something of higher quality.)

Phil used to play with Phil Keaggy (among others). I think that’s where I heard the name. The recording is going to take a few plays to settle in, but I really think this is some excellent material and the variety of songs and players is also a joy.

Big Light

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Young SonYoung Son needed a portrait for his college profile. I guess some of the teachers there actually use the images to get to know/recognize their students. That’s a good thing.

So, he engaged the dadbeast to do the shoot. I like natural light and I like big light, so I use a big window whenever I can. The slider was the perfect source yesterday evening. So, I had him stand back a few feet. I put the Konica 85/1.8 on my Sony NEX-5N, made an adjustment to the white balance, and made the shot. I can’t get the white balance right with this smoke, so I made an adjustment in post-processing.

I’m pleased with the result. I love informal portraits with big light.