Eleven Years — 19 January 2024

Older Son and I were actually at the B-29 Cafe, in the same center. However, the light on the sign does not illuminate the B-29 part of the sign. Irony? Shot with the Fujifilm X100V 23mm f/2 at f/8 with the Regie’s Portra film simulation.

I woke early this morning (or late last night) and was awake for an hour or so. There is nothing unusual about that — it happens often enough. Instead of picking up my iPhone, I picked up the MacBook Pro (such a lovely size for a laptop computer!) and opened the shell. It woke immediately and a light touch of my fingertip to the sensor unlocked it.

The day had already turned and I noticed the date. When I opened my weblog page, I saw the list of On This Day entries on the left. This served as a substantial memory punch that Wife left us1 11-years ago.

That realization was not the gut punch that it was several years ago. I did the work necessary to be healed. But, I felt that cold grasp around my heart that serves as a reminder of a substantial loss. I think that is part of the suck my friend Jim referred to so many years ago.

It sucks. It will always suck. But it will suck less as time passes.

I also noted that I did not post on several of the anniversaries. I will look again in the morning to see if I posted the day after. I am not one to back date my posts. I have also been extraordinarily busy the last few years.

My 2019 post was filled with dread of Ki’s coming death. She was very sick the end of 2019 with a brain tumor and I knew she would leave soon. That was also a difficult time for me2. Ki was a strong connection to Wife because of how well Ki watched over her when she was sick. It was hard losing her, too.

But, here I am 11-years later, remembering what happened this day. It was awful saying goodbye that last time. I feel a heaviness right now as I recall those last moments, her attempt to say something, and her departure from this life. To say it is a memory that will haunt me the rest of my life is not melodramatic; it is truth.

I am so thankful we had some good months together between the time her first treatment regimen ended and the second began. I am thankful that I insisted we use that time to do those things that were important to her, not knowing what was coming but preparing nonetheless. I am thankful her family and dearest friends came to see her before the end to bring their love and positive energy to her.

I am thankful for all the years we had together, for the life we shared, for all the laughs we shared, for love we shared.

I will not spend the day in mourning. She would chastise me for that. I will, however, remember her several times this day as I go through the tasks required of me. I will be grateful for the day and for the life that we shared. I will play with The Girl and get her out for a short walk, even if the temperature is heading toward 0ºF. (Yes, it will not be a long outing!)

I am grateful. Life is good.

1I use the euphemism left us for died sometimes. I am not afraid so say/write died. It is the descriptive word and it is completely true. But, sometimes I think that a less powerful word makes the language work a little better. But the truth is that she died, just as we all do.

2Do not dare tell me she’s only a dog. That will get you punched in the face without hesitation! I will then say “That was only a love tap!”

5 thoughts on “Eleven Years — 19 January 2024”

  1. “Grief is the price we pay for love.”
    Queen Elizabeth II

    I don’t know if it sucks less or if we get use to carrying the weight of loss as it accumulates. Memories are bittersweet but I don’t regret the love I’ve given in this lifetime. Hope to see you soon my Brother.

  2. The old girl had that right! I wrote about it many times, especially during the first couple of years.

    I suspect you’re at least partially right about the weight of the loss. The crushing pain of that loss during the first couple of years does abate. But the weight of loss never goes completely away. I expect that we accommodate the load partly and that some of that weight abates with time.

    But it never goes away completely.

    Hope to see you this year, brother.

  3. My husband passed in February, 2014. The dreams have already started. My life has moved on. I have a good man in my life. But the dreams still come every time.

    1. Well, my friend, that is a little cryptic to me and I’m not sure I understand. It probably isn’t required that I understand as it means something to you. Good.

      It is good you have a good man in your life. You deserve it. I pray that the dreams are good. If they aren’t, then my prayer is that they transition to good dreams so that your healing can be complete.

      Bless you, friend.

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