Category: family

Memorial Fund

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Wife and Pier at Crissy FieldAfter Wife died in January, an old friend and former student set up a GoFundMe site as a memorial to her. He knew that winding things up was expensive and a practical way to help was to provide some money to help with the short term expenses associated with a person’s death.

Well, I am not good at taking money (or much else) from others. There’s something in my wiring that resists such things violently. It’s not that I don’t appreciate help; I just don’t accept it well. I do not understand that part of myself.

So, the money that was donated sat in that account until now. I wrestled with what to do with it for some time now. I come back to the problem now and again, then table it once more. In general, I’m not that indecisive. There are exceptions, apparently.

What I’m going to do is allow the site to run until the end of October. Then I’m going to take whatever funds are there and write a check to the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Check them out. It’s a legitimate organization.

When Wife was sick, the social worker at UCSF told us about LLS. They offer financial support for families dealing with the diseases. Although we were outside the income range for much support, they wrote us a check for $100 to help cover fuel costs. My expenses were crazy during her illness and even a hundred bucks helped. So, I was thankful for the fuel.

Now it’s my turn to pay that back. As I wrote, I’ll take whatever resources are there at the end of October and write a check to LLS for that amount in Wife’s name. Then the folks at the LLS can help others who are struggling with the disease.

The link to Wife’s memorial is http://www.gofundme.com/1x57xs.

Edit: I forgot to mention that I’ve been writing a check to LLS every couple of months… just because it’s the right thing to do.

Just Working

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Interested AlexisThe last few days have been interesting. I have a little work to do (good thing) and some attention from the lead technician. So I’m able to move my project forward. I did the cross section layout for a set of HEC-RAS models this morning and passed it on for processing. I should have my cross sections late today or first thing tomorrow and can get started building the models.

The models are complicated because there will be loss from the system through lateral structures. It’s critical to model the lateral structures properly to account for the flow loss so I can size the proposed structure and evaluate the potential impact on the floodplain.

In the midst of this I find myself deeply missing Wife. It’s been something like 35 weeks since she died. The deep pain of the first month or two is abated, but I want to have that time we shared over breakfast — talking about things and watching the birds outside or looking at the Carson Range. I miss the telephone calls at noon asking about lunch and the goofy voicemails she left.

I am reading through my journal from 2012 as the days pass, trying to recall how everything developed and processing my thoughts. Reviewing that time is important because there is insight there. I don’t know if it provides insight into my now, but I don’t want to lose that connection with my past.

Over the weekend I processed a couple more boxes. I found a box of Wife’s planners, most of them empty but some with her writing in them. The wallets went into the donate box and the papers went to the grinder. I processed another box of old records as well. I put another three or four bags of grindings into the dumpster.

There are still a few more boxes of fossils to process. Then I have another 11 book boxes to go through. The papers and reports I’ll scan. The books I’ll have to decide about. I feel another book purge coming on and will be doing that this fall.

Once I get through all that, I’ll feel free to pursue other things. Saturday afternoon I spent some time with Jimmy at Comma Coffee. There are often interesting people to photograph there. Alisha was particularly engaged when she was talking to Jimmy and provided a number of wonderful expressions. Jimmy said “Shakespeare in five expressions” and I think he’s right.

Edit: The frame was captured with the Chinon 135mm f2.8 wide open at ISO 3200. The high ISO explains the grainy texture of the image and the color balance was awful. This capture begged to be black and white anyway.

Flutterbye

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Yard OrnamentI’ve been working at home a lot the last few weeks. With all the smoke from the Rim Fire, I didn’t want to go down into the valley south from my house. The smoke was always worse there. I have remnants of my childhood asthma to this day and atmospheric conditions like heavy smoke are just not healthy.

So I worked from home. The truth is that I have a better place to work at home than I do at the office. One of the advantages of setting up my own workspace is that I can make it the way I want it. It’s just not like that at an office. In addition, I have control over my environment. I can play a little music lightly while I work. This is good because of my tinnitus. I don’t disturb anyone with my music. I make my own coffee and use the brand I like. I am uninterrupted by my neighbors. I have a quiet house, which means I have a quiet workspace.

As I wrote before, I don’t need anyone looking over my shoulder to ensure I’m working. I’ve been autonomous most of my life and nothing is different now.

The space gives me opportunity to grieve when it’s necessary. I have a profound sadness with the loss of Wife that just doesn’t go away. It’s not awful, but I know what is lost. That’s not going to change. I’m learning to live with it. It will take a long time for this to pass, if it ever does.

“You can have what’s second best, but it’s hard to get enough.” says the David Wilcox lyric. It’s simply true. I had no idea it would be worked out this way in my life.

Butterfly IIIMonday I broke for lunch about noon. It might have been 1230. It doesn’t matter. I haven’t been regimented in a long time. As I sat at the table eating a bite of lunch and looking out the window, reflectively, I noticed a butterfly come into the yard and begin working one of the butterfly bushes. I thought how excited Wife would have been, nearly as much as had a hummingbird come in. (I’ve seen several of them lately as well, and thought of Wife.)

I watched the beautiful insect working the small flowers, fluttering from one to another. I recalled how I learned to call them flutterbyes because of my dad. Wife and kids always got a big kick from that pun. I thought “I should go get my camera,” but elected to finish my bite instead.

When I did, the insect was still working the flowers. So I grabbed my camera (the Pentacon 50/1.8 happened to be on it) and went into the backyard. The light wasn’t great, but no matter. It was an opportunity. So I worked the flutterbye as it worked the flowers.

After a few frames, I decided to run back into the house and grab my Kiron 105/2.8 macro lens. It was already on a NEX adapter, so it was a quick switch to get out the bigger gun. I think f2.8 was a bit thin for depth of field, so I set the aperture to f5.6 and ran with it.

Butterfly II probably shot 35 frames before the insect had enough of the bush, or enough of me, and fluttered off to the other side of the house.

I returned indoors and set my camera aside. I cleaned up my noon mess and went back to work, reflecting on how much Wife would have enjoyed that and how she would have enjoyed the images. I can still hear her excited voice when a flutterbye would come into the yard. I know she tried to photograph them several times, but could never really get close enough.

I miss sharing these things with her. I always will. I hope you know I’m thinking of you, love. I hope you know…

That Was Hard

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Silver Springs Sunset II woke a bit late this morning, having spent the night struggling with my dreams. Twice I woke with a start, knowing that a dream woke me but not remembering the content that startled me awake. So, I rose about 0630, took my morning medications, made some coffee, and retired to my workroom to write in my journal, wake, and pray.

I took care of my Girl and we did a short walk, enjoying the (clearer) air. It was a pleasant morning with most of the smoke off to the east, driven there by the westerly winds.

We returned to the house and I opened the garage door to let in the cool air and light. I am determined to get through all these damned boxes. I want to be able to park my 4Runner in the garage.

There were a few boxes marked that they contained holiday decorations. I pulled one of them over to the staging table and opened it. In it I found more family traditions. I started another box for Daughter because I know she doesn’t want these things to get away. I also know that sometime Older Son and Young Son will establish their own households and traditions and might want some of these things. I selected a few things for myself.

I now have one box of Christmas decorations/things that I want to keep. I will purchase a small tree to celebrate the season about Thanksgiving and spend an hour or two decorating it. It will be a part of my tribute to Wife and her love of that holiday season.

The remaining things I sorted and either packed for Daughter or elected to donate to Goodwill. I then sorted through the fall and other holiday decorations. They were not as challenging because Wife loved Christmas the most. The other holidays were special too, but just not in the same way.

The holiday boxes dealt with and two loads hauled to Goodwill today, I pulled open a box labeled MB Miscellaneous Things, Store. I was unprepared for what I found.

In it were Wife’s high school diploma, a number of her awards and certificates from that time, and her college diploma. I felt the grief rise in me and spent some time weeping and talking to my Girl. She feels the intensity, I know, I can tell by watching her.

How does one deal with such things of the deceased? I have no idea. I found another box from my collection that is better suited to storing these things and carefully stowed them in my bedroom closet. I will want to do something with these things this winter when it’s too cold to do much outside or in the garage. I am also not ready to make decisions about what to do with her things.

The smoke worsened as the day wore on. So, I came inside and began processing another box of old records. In it I found old records of the houses we bought and sold over the years. I found many, many old records of things like utilities. I filled the shredder’s bin twice and emptied it.

These things represent a portion of our history as a family. They should have been discarded years ago, but were not. As I worked through the old files, I was again filled with sadness that so much is past. That is the nature of life, I suppose.

I should be nowhere near the sunset of my life. But one never knows. That’s the uncertainty of living and God gave pretty good instruction about it. So, I try to not dwell on that and to just live right now.

That is my task — to live only in the moment; not the past nor the future. It’s really hard to do, sometimes. I miss Wife so much and dealing with these things reminds me of what is gone. It reminds me that I cannot know what is next — that only God knows what’s next for me. I sure wish I had a peek at what’s coming, though. I’d really like good, simple direction on what I’m supposed to do and where I’m headed.

The truth is, of course, that such direction is not forthcoming and is the antithesis of faith. Yet, I struggle with that.

During my struggle, though, I continue processing the things here that need to be dealt with. I think that’s my task for now. When it’s done, perhaps God will show me a bit of what I’m supposed to be doing next, even if that’s just sitting put. I would like to know.

This weekend has been a lot harder than I expected. The struggle makes me ever more determined to finish what I’ve started, no matter how challenging. I can see that I’m getting closer to being able to park my 4Runner in the garage. I’m also lightening my load substantially with each load that goes out of the house.

These are good things, even if they are hard. Perhaps this is part of my processing of my grief. I’m OK with that.

Dismantled Traditions

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Christmas ThingsToday dawned full of potential. It was my designated day to do more work in my garage. I am still purging things I will no longer need, will no longer use, and no longer want. The garage and the linen closet are the last bastions of this first effort. Then I will fall back, regroup, and decide if I want to do it again.

My thoughts there are the elimination of some furniture so that the contents of my house better align with the interior size and layout. I have a large chest of drawers and a dresser in my bedroom. That’s about 2.5 times the storage that I need. I could do with a small chest of drawers. There would then be room for a small chair where I could sit in the morning to put on my shoes or sit and read before bed or when I wake.

I have a huge leather sofa and overstuffed chair in my living room. They take up a large part of the room, particularly with the large ottoman that’s part of the set. Wife’s recliner is still in there (covered with the partially-digested collection of pictures that I’m sorting). Wife’s desk is still in the dining area, where it takes up room and acts as a catch-all.

The linen closet contains a mish-mash of old linens. I need to empty it, sort everything, haul off about 75 percent of it, and replace a few things with new. Much of the contents is 20-years old or more.

These are things I’ll deal with once the garage is completed. So, I rose early, made myself some coffee, and worked on waking up. I fed the Girl and cooked for myself. I sat at the table working through breakfast and praying. Wife died 32-weeks ago this morning. I reflected on that as I ate and prayed, thanking God for provision and asking for wisdom as I continue to think about what I want to do and what I should be.

I have no easy answers there. The truth is I’m just working for a paycheck at the moment and serving my integrity. I said I would stay on for awhile and so I will. But I struggle with lack of interest in my work. My self-discipline keeps me going, but neither my heart nor my mind is in the work. Most of it lacks intellectual interest and most of it is intellectually unchallenging. But, I digress. I prayed as I ate and talked to my Girl. I looked over my left should at my portraits of Wife and talked to them a bit as well. I felt sadness flow over me. It’s not the drowning, paralyzing sadness of depression, but deep realization that what I want I cannot have. It’s loss.

After I cleaned up, I had another coffee and looked down deep for some steel. I walked the Girl then we opened the garage door to let in the cool (and smoke-free) air, and I cleared the staging table I’ve been using for sorting. The boxes for today were our family Christmas decorations. I picked one off the stack and opened it. They haven’t been opened for a couple of years because we spent the holidays out of town in 2011 and only did a little decorating in 2012. So, most of the things had not been looked at for nearly three years.

Much of the things I knew I could load into the 4Runner for donation. I had three or four boxes in the car in a half-hour or an hour. Then I came across a couple of boxes that probably have deep meaning for my children. I pulled a few items out and photographed them. Then I sent them via text to Daughter and asked her about them. After a short chat, I decided to ship much of those things to her.

So I boxed them up and packed the fragile things carefully. Young Son came out and helped me seal the boxes so they would be prepared for shipment. We loaded them into the 4Runner as well. Then Young Son returned to the house to fix some food.

I stood in the garage for awhile, wondering whether another box should be opened and the contents dealt with. I realized that I had just dismantled our family Christmas traditions. My work was appropriate and justified. It is a good thing to pass on those things to Daughter, who will use some of them to carry on the family traditions. They will be there with her when Older Son and Younger Son are ready to share some of them.

I felt a profound sadness that this part of my life is ended. Last Christmas Wife said to me, “I think this will be my last Christmas.” I responded “It might be, we don’t really know.” But, I also felt the ending there as well. I knew a lot more than she did, but saw no reason to share that knowledge as there was nothing to be gained. It would change nothing we would do. So, I shared the time with her as best I could.

I have no idea what new traditions, if any, I will establish. This year there will be none. I’m considering going out of town for both holidays. I’m not sure I want to be in the house during that period of time without Wife here to share it with me.

After a time, I went into the house, refilled my water bottle, and gathered up my things. I drove over to the UPS store and posted the boxes for Daughter. Then the Girl and I drove into Carson to drop off the remaining things at FISH. We drove over to Sonic for a hamburger and a strawberry shake. (The Girl loves tater tots, so I shared.) Then I fired up Geosphere, located a nearby geocache, and we logged our find for the day.

I completed the 31 Days of Geocaching Event. I maintained my streak. I’m working at not being compulsive about geocaching, but maintaining a streak is an interesting thing. It gets me out and away from my usual haunts. It give the Girl and me a chance to explore someplace a little different, even if it’s local.

Now I need to get on with whatever is next. I think I’m going to empty the shredder and then work through some more of the old files. There’s a couple of hundred pounds of old paper that needs to be ground and disposed of. Those records are so old and useless. They’re just taking up space.

Big Light

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Young SonYoung Son needed a portrait for his college profile. I guess some of the teachers there actually use the images to get to know/recognize their students. That’s a good thing.

So, he engaged the dadbeast to do the shoot. I like natural light and I like big light, so I use a big window whenever I can. The slider was the perfect source yesterday evening. So, I had him stand back a few feet. I put the Konica 85/1.8 on my Sony NEX-5N, made an adjustment to the white balance, and made the shot. I can’t get the white balance right with this smoke, so I made an adjustment in post-processing.

I’m pleased with the result. I love informal portraits with big light.

Ready for the Smoke to End

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Willow Creek RanchI am so ready for this smoke to end. I know, whine, whine, whine, and I am certain that many others wish it so far more than I do. I pray that the fire is controlled soon for all those folks who have their lives torn up by the disaster.

I want to be able to get outside more. With the smoke, my eyes burn and my lungs complain. My long-forgotten asthma reminds me that it is still there, waiting for the right opportunity to restrict my breath and make me uncomfortable. I want to be able to get the Girl out and go find a few geocaches or just spend time walking in the cool morning and evening air.

Winter comes. I can already feel the hints of change in the morning and evening. It’s not cold and won’t be for a couple-three months yet. But I can feel the change coming. I think the big heat is now past and we’re moving toward the cooler days of fall.

I want to be outside with camera and dog. She loves to go exploring — so do I. Last night I spent some time on the geocaching map, exploring some of the areas that are within an easy day’s reach but are far enough afield that I can get away from the daily norm. Going out to find geocaches takes me to places that make interesting photographs. It is a combination of things I’ve come to really enjoy — camera, dog, and geocaching away from town.

I’m ready for another weekend away camping somewhere. The Girl learned that the “flat house” is home too. One evening on our road trip she walked over to the flat house, went in the open, waiting door, and returned to me, looking at me. She turned, went back into the flat house, circled on her quilt, laid down on it, then came back out and looked at me. A third time she went into the flat house, settled on her quilt, and then watched me with those huge brown eyes.

I knew what she was telling me. Didn’t I write that our communication is all non-verbal but as real as if speaking to another person? She talks to me with the language she has at her command. I’m learning to understand that language and it is as effective as if she spoke words.

She was telling me “It’s time for bed. It’s dark. It’s cool. Come to the flat house and curl up on your mat. I’m ready to sleep.” Then she waited patiently for me to finish my supper, say goodnight to my kids, and then bunk in. She watched me with her big brown eyes, not moving from her mat, as I finished my evening routine.

Then I crawled into the flat house, closed the door, and curled up on my mat, put my hand on her side, and we went to sleep.

She usually knows what I need better than I do. She knows when it’s time to play, time to eat, time to walk, and time to sleep. She often tells me about these things if I listen. She’s usually right, as well.

I’m so ready for the smoke to be gone. I hate being forcibly cooped up in the house or closed car. I want to be outside enjoying the air and movement.

Had My Cry Today

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I worked at home most of the day today. I’m working on a big proposal (along with help from others) that will go out tomorrow. Then we wait and see.

During a respite between editing sessions, I decided to look for some of Wife’s notes for my sister-in-law. She asked me what author it was that Wife was so interested in. It was something they noticed when we were sorting through some of Wife’s papers.

So, I found my collection of “Wife Words” that I stowed in a folder on my bookshelf. In looking through the journals and calendars in the stash, I came across calendar entries for 2011 and 2012 (among others). I also came across a lot of Wife’s little bits of paper, on which she wrote notes to herself.

The calendar entries had dates for medical procedures, tests, doctor appointments, and how she felt. The notes were quite poignant and made me sit back in reflection.

I physically felt the wave of grief roll over me, breaking into tears as I thought about the last two years and where the path led us. For me, it was a path of support… doing what I could to be sure Wife got where she needed to be when she needed to be there. It was a time to support her through the rigors of chemotherapy and God-only-knows how many different tests.

For her, it was a path of perseverance, patience, and an act of will to see the process through. Ultimately, it was a path of faith as she moved to the end of her life on this Earth, then her body died and her spirit passed on to whatever comes next.

I reflected on these things as I let my grief work itself out, talking to myself and to my Girl. My Girl, although she understands a few words, really understands emotions. She sat on the floor next to me and allowed me to handle her as I talked to her about Wife, how I miss her, how things are different, and how I don’t know what is to come. She offered what she has to me, my companion for this time, sharing her heat and energy with an old man who misses his dead Wife so much.

The Girl’s company is something I cherish with all my heart. I believe she is a gift from God to help get me through this time. In exchange, the Girl has her forever home, my love, my companionship, and my protection. She is there for me when I need her support. She’s a dog, not a human, and she only knows doggie things. Yet she understands me in a way I cannot comprehend. She knows that I need her close.

This is a thing I cannot understand. I can only accept it for what it is. We are two different species sharing a home, time, and companionship. We do not communicate with words, but with a language that is nonetheless clear in its content. I thank God for that, daily.

In the meantime, I continue the healing process. At times, this means having a good cry as I mourn the loss of Wife. Today was one of those days. It was a good thing.

Off to the Coast

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Older Son, DiL, the Girl, and I are headed for the California coast this morning. I’m taking my camera and geocaching kit and hope to bring back lots of images and lots of finds.

I haven’t done a road trip in months and this will be good. The Pacific is a place I love to go and Wife loved the coast near San Francisco and north. I’ll be spending time with my kids, my dog, and my memories.

I don’t know whether I’ll be able to post anything or not. I’m tent-camping along the way. Perhaps some of the sites will have some WiFi I can use. Otherwise, I may be offline for a few days.

Crissy Field

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Wife and Pier at Crissy FieldLast fall Wife completed the first phase of her stem cell transplant. She was released from the medical facility the evening of 31 October 2012. I picked her up that evening, not expecting her to be released until the following morning. Because I had reserved the hotel room for a couple of nights, we elected to stay in San Francisco for her to recover and to spend a little time in the city.

The next morning I took her to one of my favorite diners in San Francisco, Rocco’s. We enjoyed our breakfast (although finding parking was a bitch), then puttered around there enjoying this huge mural on the side of one of the buildings.

We drove down toward China Basin and then north along the bay, enjoying the sights and the cool morning air. When we came up on the old Army Air Base, Crissy Field, we stopped to putter around there a bit. Wife didn’t have much strength or stamina, but she was determined to enjoy her freedom. She told me she felt like she had just been released from prison. I can certainly understand that after spending a month in the hematology unit at UCSF. She went through a lot to get to the point she was and it showed.

She wasn’t strong enough to wander as far as I wanted. So, she sat on the bulkhead next to the pier, posing for an image before I walked on down a ways to see what there was to see. I returned a few minutes later, retrieved her, and we moved along. She wanted to see and was determined to make the best of her time.

We ended up in the Warming House, which now houses a coffee bar and gift shop. She loved gift shops and I have a few things she collected in the Warming House of Crissy Field.

She was tired, so I packed her into the car and we left on our driving tour of San Francisco. We landed at several other locations about the city that day. Perhaps I’ll tell those stories as well… and share some of the images. Portions of the story were told on my old weblog and I’m going to do my best to get those in here as well.

I miss you, Girl, a lot. Life will never be the same.