Had My Cry Today

I worked at home most of the day today. I’m working on a big proposal (along with help from others) that will go out tomorrow. Then we wait and see.

During a respite between editing sessions, I decided to look for some of Wife’s notes for my sister-in-law. She asked me what author it was that Wife was so interested in. It was something they noticed when we were sorting through some of Wife’s papers.

So, I found my collection of “Wife Words” that I stowed in a folder on my bookshelf. In looking through the journals and calendars in the stash, I came across calendar entries for 2011 and 2012 (among others). I also came across a lot of Wife’s little bits of paper, on which she wrote notes to herself.

The calendar entries had dates for medical procedures, tests, doctor appointments, and how she felt. The notes were quite poignant and made me sit back in reflection.

I physically felt the wave of grief roll over me, breaking into tears as I thought about the last two years and where the path led us. For me, it was a path of support… doing what I could to be sure Wife got where she needed to be when she needed to be there. It was a time to support her through the rigors of chemotherapy and God-only-knows how many different tests.

For her, it was a path of perseverance, patience, and an act of will to see the process through. Ultimately, it was a path of faith as she moved to the end of her life on this Earth, then her body died and her spirit passed on to whatever comes next.

I reflected on these things as I let my grief work itself out, talking to myself and to my Girl. My Girl, although she understands a few words, really understands emotions. She sat on the floor next to me and allowed me to handle her as I talked to her about Wife, how I miss her, how things are different, and how I don’t know what is to come. She offered what she has to me, my companion for this time, sharing her heat and energy with an old man who misses his dead Wife so much.

The Girl’s company is something I cherish with all my heart. I believe she is a gift from God to help get me through this time. In exchange, the Girl has her forever home, my love, my companionship, and my protection. She is there for me when I need her support. She’s a dog, not a human, and she only knows doggie things. Yet she understands me in a way I cannot comprehend. She knows that I need her close.

This is a thing I cannot understand. I can only accept it for what it is. We are two different species sharing a home, time, and companionship. We do not communicate with words, but with a language that is nonetheless clear in its content. I thank God for that, daily.

In the meantime, I continue the healing process. At times, this means having a good cry as I mourn the loss of Wife. Today was one of those days. It was a good thing.