Over the last few years, I gradually collected all of the Winter’s Solstice recordings produced by Windham Hills Records, which is now owned by Sony. I play these collections of songs from Windham Hills artists during the holiday season, along with some other favorite music that celebrates the season.
When I snagged a copy of Winter’s Solstice VI, I discovered the track Yesterday’s Rain written and recorded by W.G. “Snuffy” Walden, a guitarist and composer of much skill. I was immediately drawn into the deep romantic vibe of this song.
When Wife died, this song somehow became deeply linked with my loss. I feel it every time I play this song. But, along with that deep sense of loss, of longing for what is now gone, there is also joy. There is joy in what we shared all those years. There is joy in remembering the season during which we celebrate the Christ’s birth. There is joy in remembering how Wife loved this season, loved finding the right gift (to the point of being obsessive-compulsive about it), and how she loved playing the Santa Claus role, even after all the kids had grown far past that myth.
It didn’t matter. We all loved her enthusiasm and excitement. It’s a good thing. The memories are good, if poignant. The song is an absolute gem.
It is Saturday morning, here in Lubbock, as I write this. I’ll probably backdate it to post about noon, so bear with me. The Girl and I have been out for a nice, long walk. We’ve been to the grocery store to reprovision. We’ve both eaten. She’s napping while I ruminate. It’s a good Saturday morning.
It’s still Fall here in Lubbock. There’s been some cold weather, but many of the trees still have some color. The other morning, when a bit of sun shone during Walkies at Higinbotham Park, the warm light bathed the foreground trees and the far shore of the playa with gold. It was worth the pause for a capture. So I’ll share.
Many times I’ve written how Saturdays are a kind of mix for me. Wife and I loved running errands together on Saturdays. After a busy week, it was fun to spend the time together, handle the chores and errands that demanded some attention, and then grab a bite to eat at one of our regular haunts. Sometimes that meant Sonic for burgers, tots, and a shake; sometimes it meant something a bit less fast-foodie and more of a sit-down meal. Regardless, those are such great memories. I will cherish them forever.
It’s also true that she died early one Saturday morning in January 2013. It was a time of great darkness for me, a time of soul-rending trial, and a poignant memory to go with all those good times. So, Saturdays are always a mix for me. But, I’ll take that mix. It is my history, it honors Wife, and it is part of who I am. It is good.
I’ve been thinking a lot this week. Yesterday evening and during Walkies this morning, it occurred to me that the last few months, and specifically the last couple of weeks, have been a time of healing for me. Let me explain.
Nearly three years ago, Wife died. The following year was one of great sadness, lack of motivation, emotional and intellectual drifting. When she died, not only was the immediate busy-ness of day-to-day care abruptly ended, but all the energy leading up to that moment dissipated in what seemed like an explosion of emotional energy. In the aftermath of that detonation, I was left without a compass.
A few months later I offered my resignation when it appeared that no more work in my discipline specialty was coming and I was assigned a general civil engineering project. I could have done the project, with some additional study. But I spent many years working on my skills and decided I really did not want to work on general civil projects. Over the course of a few hours, I decided it was time to move on.
Although I offered my resignation, it was rejected by my principal engineer. So, I soldiered on over the next two years, doing my best to find work in western Nevada and in Texas. Work was found, but it was insufficient to support my role in the company. Therefore, in the end, I resigned and it was accepted. I completed the process that I started two years earlier. In truth, when I made that decision to resign in 2013, I never really got my head back into my job. Intellectually and emotionally I had resigned and I never got past that.
I decided to sell my house and clear most of my obligations. The first family that walked into the house made an offer over my asking price with no conditions. My house literally sold the first day to the first visitor. If that is not God’s work, then serendipity was extraordinarily active that day. It took a few weeks for all the details to sort out and it was clear that the sale was final, so I was a bit pressured to get my things out of the house and into storage. I wanted to reduce my accumulation more than I did, but that was not in the plan. Therefore, Older Son and I moved most of my things went into storage, I sent Older Son (who was instrumental in getting through all that) back home, and I spent a little more time in Reno working on project work and preparing to go visit friends and family.
I now work for myself and work part-time. It isn’t qute enough to support me, but is enough to stretch my time before I have to make a decision about retiring, finding another job, or really committing to making my business pay the bills.
I spent a couple months with Daughter and her family. That was a lot of fun and I deeply enjoyed the time with my family. I was part of the day-to-day activities and that was a good thing too. The football games the boys played were fun, even if the weather was sometimes miserable. I didn’t really want to leave, but I felt like I needed to move on for awhile, give them some time to regroup as a family, and do some additional inner work.
I spent a week with Wife’s family over Thanksgiving. That was also very good for me. They need to know that I’m not going away because Wife is gone. They are as much family to me as blood relations. Mom/Dad are getting older and I want to see them when I can. It also honors Wife that I love her family as my own.
I also started the process of procuring a marker for Wife. Once the details are settled, we’ll put that marker at the foot of her mom’s plot. I want there to be a permanent place where her family can remember her, although her ashes are scattered on the family farm.
Now here I am in Lubbock. The last week was spent partly reuniting with friends and family, partly working, and partly playing. I spent much of yesterday with very close friends (might as well be family). As I drove home last night, it occurred to me that I am healing. This morning, again, as the Girl and I walked laps around Higinbotham I prayed and the notion that I am healing once again manifested in my deepest mind/soul/whatever. I talked to God a bit about this, as a son might talk to his father.
I asked God for vocational guidance. This is the stuff that isn’t in scripture and he doesn’t always choose to answer in a specific way. I realized that I have four active job applications out there. I realized that two of those appeared suddenly, when recruiters called me looking for senior personnel to offer to their clients and that they had discovered my CV and were calling me to determine my interest.
My dreams of late have been about major change, rebuilding, and encouragement to go — to move forward. The most recent dream that I recorded (I don’t always get them written down before the images fade in my fast-moving brain) was specific direction to get after it. Certain doors (opportunities) are now closed. A couple of the gigs I thought might be fun went elsewhere. But certain doors appear to be opening. I know how God works, sometimes, in my life, and this is a typical pattern. There is a teaching here about patience, trust, and faith and I’ve seen this lesson before. I get it.
The look back, for me, is to learn something from my experience. I work at not letting the stuff behind me make me bitter. Those experiences, victories, failures, and mistakes are all mine. I own them. I might not like some of them. I might be embarrassed by some of them (as in, “yes, I really did that.”). But they are mine and they make up my informal education from the school of life (also known as the School of Hard Knocks). So, I’ll take them, do my best to learn the lessons from them, and then direct my attention and energy forward.
I don’t think I’m quite done yet. God still has some things for me to do. So, as I spend time with loved ones, do my inner work, and heal, I’m waiting to see what doors open. I’m excited to see what is next for me and that is a big deal.
Wow… what a few days, weeks, months, and years this has been. I’m a little breathless after writing this and reviewing where I’ve been, both physically and spiritually. And now I have a cup of tea, which I’ll enjoy as I edit this post and prepare to share it. Daughter got me started drinking tea again. I’m really enjoying both the Earl Grey and Chai Spice black teas.
And why should I share, you might wonder. Well, I’m not positive… perhaps it’s nothing more than my testimony that I believe God is working in my life. Maybe there might be others out there on a similar journey, but one that belongs specifically to them. If they stumble on my site, then the words might be encouraging and provide some hope that there is a destination, or maybe multiple destinations that require a choice. Maybe it’s just a reminder that God is still here, still working in the background, and still caring for his children. And those are plenty of good reasons for me to share my journey.
My goal, for the moment at least, is to make one nice capture every day. That capture might be with my iPhone, my Fuji X-T1, or my Panasonic DMC-ZS40. I always have my iPhone (6S) on me. Its camera is better than what is needed to get a decent capture for a weblog post. It’s primary lacking is control over depth of field. Both the Panasonic and Fuji cameras offer better control, with the Fuji being the best (of course) and the Panasonic being a lot better than the iPhone, but much less capable than the Fuji. But, I always have my iPhone on me and I always see something that I think is worthy of my Instagram stream.
My second goal, for the moment at least, is to post something every day. That might be a snippet of something I read, heard, or saw. It might be a longer piece… one of my ruminations.
I considered writing a bit about the state of my country. I have a few essays in my collection that are fits and starts in that direction. I might draw a lot more traffic to my site if I did that; or I might not. What I will observe is that American politics are deeply broken. We left constructive dialogue behind decades ago and substituted meaningless rhetoric and vitriol. Our “leaders” and our media lie to us to achieve their goals. I have lost faith in my government and elected leadership to guide the rest of us on any kind of reasonable path. It appears the government is setting itself up to reduce or eliminate the ability of citizens to govern ourselves in substitute for a government that knows what is best for us. I find this disappointing and depressing.
Enough of that… there be monsters there.
So, I write about what I see and what I think. I decided to focus on things that I think bring either insight (as I ruminate on my own thoughts) or beauty (through my images) to those who come here directly or stumble by via that morass of infinite links that is the World Wide Web.
And, my goal is to post something every day. I don’t always make it. I’m not going to berate myself for not making it. But the goal keeps me looking outside my head, observing, watching the light, watching for interesting things, and ruminating. I think that will do.
All that aside, yesterday was a fun day. The Girl and I were out before sunup to go walk laps around Higinbotham Park here in Lubbock. It was cool, but not cold at about 40F when we hit the trail. A few other hardy souls and their four-legged friends showed up as we circled the park. Of course, we were going the wrong way. I don’t care and neither does the Girl. Her squirrely friend was absent, although she was on high alert for “Squirrels!”. But no others showed.
Near the end of our walk, the morning sun illuminated the trees and dormant Bermudagrass. That light captured my eyes. So, we paused along our last lap for me to grab a few captures. I like this one and shared it on my Instagram feed.
And, in the end, it seems I posted something political after all… or at least an observation on politics. But the emphasis was on my thoughts and my observations of the beauty that surrounds me.
An image from gun camera footage taken the day of the attack on Pearl Harbor.
Today is 7 December 2015. It is Pearl Harbor Day — the day we set aside to remember the Japanese surprise attack on the Army and Navy bases located in the Hawaiian Islands in 1941. Each year I take a few moments to remember the service men and women, and the civilians, who lost their lives that day. While I hold no grudge against the Japanese (it is history, after all), I also remember that we have enemies both internal and external who would destroy our nation, our culture, and our way of life for their own purposes.
Today is the day to remember Pearl Harbor. I remember. I appreciate the sacrifice that our service men and women make each and every day. I don’t think it’s just a job.
The entry to the little church at the cemetery where Dad is buried.
While in Rolla, I visited Mom/Dad’s plots at the local cemetery. My intent is to have a plaque placed to memorialize Wife at the foot of Mom’s plot. So, we looked around while I was there, talked a bit, and I got the contact information needed to make the call.
After they left, the Girl and I kicked around the cemetery a bit more, me hoping to find a geocache (and to just spend some time outdoors without it raining). There was no geocache, but the Girl and I had fun spending outside time together anyway.
I elected to drive out to Pilot Knob to pay Dad’s gravesite a visit. Although he died in 1995, I still talk to him and wish I had some of his insight and wisdom to draw on. I know he’d tell me to make up my own mind, but he had a way of asking questions and telling stories that provided some of the perspective I always seem to lack.
It’s beautiful little cemetery, tidy, well-kept, peaceful. I saw that my stepmom is still alive. I wandered around there for a bit, talking to my Dad and thinking back on the time we spent together. Those few days before he died are especially poignant. I remember standing on the front porch of his house, watching a thundershower and listening to the lightning — safe a dry… until the wind shifted and blew the rain in on us. Then we scattered back into the house to keep dry. I’m still laughing although it was 20-years ago.
On the way out I noticed the geometry of the entry to the little church. It needed a capture, so I made one.
The geocache across U.S. 63 was not to be found. The Girl and I had a nice hike anyway, at least until she was spooked by shotgun fire across the way. She needed no coaxing to hop into the 4Runner when we left.
I spent a few more days with Mom/Dad there in Rolla. Thanksgiving celebration was wonderful and I’m honored to have spent it with the family.
I left Monday and stopped in Willard to visit my grandmother. She recently entered a nursing home there and I wanted to see her. She just turned 100-years old and that’s old by any measure. That she was in a nursing facility was not good news. As I expected, she’s not doing well and I think she’s ready to die and be released of her struggle. I can’t blame her for that and she greeted me with the same smile and grace that she’s always had, just weaker and tired. She went back to sleep as I spoke to her.
I wandered down through Arkansas the last couple of days, spending a lot of my time on State Highway 23. I collected a couple of geocaches, a few images, and spent a lot of time remembering. Nana will be gone soon. Three years ago Wife was struggling with her radiation therapy and this time of year is always an emotional challenge for me. I don’t think I’ll ever adjust to Wife being gone.
I know this comes up on this space frequently and sometimes it seems like I’m whining. But this is my reality. The loss of someone this close is not something one just gets over. There are times when the loss is more keenly felt and writing about it here is one way I process my grief.
This morning I dropped into Louisiana to pick up a geocache and collect another state. I drove through the northwest corner of the state, remembering the marshlands that make up most of Louisiana. Then I turned west and worked my way into Texas.
I started the process of procuring a marker for Wife. I’ll have it placed at the foot of her mom’s plot. There will be a permanent marker to remember her. I think it’s the last thing that needs to be done.
It felt good to be in Texas again. I stopped in Gainesville to spend the night. Getting access to the Internet was something of a problem, but it eventually was worked out. I got caught up on everything that needed doing and will soon call it a day. I don’t have a long day tomorrow, but I have been waking really early. Plus the Girl needs Walkies in the morning (as do I) and I don’t want to push it too late or it will be dark by the time I get to Lubbock.
I’m looking forward to seeing some family and friends this trip. I missed a bunch of them the last time I passed through, but those were different circumstances. I don’t have as much time as I’d like for this trip, but at least the time I have is mostly mine.
I have many things I’m thankful for. I spent time this morning remembering those things (including people) and prayed as I drove, thanking God for his kindness, grace, mercy, and for permitting me to have to wonderful people in my life.
On Walkies a few days ago, the Girl and I came across an interesting Fall scene. Amidst the shedding of leaves and loss of color, this one bit of greenery hangs on. It is a metaphor of defiance in the face of oncoming Winter… this bit of green life in a sea of death. The leaf said to me, “I will not go down easily.”
A favorite place for take-out pizza and stromboli.
Yesterday was Younger Grandson’s birthday. So, given that I’m heading out tomorrow morning, I decided to buy supper for my family to celebrate his birthday… and just because I wanted to. Roma’s has become a favorite place. They have a very nice stromboli that I really like. I can never justify buying one for just me, so this is a real treat.
While Daughter and I were waiting for the food to be ready, I noticed the graphic appeal of the counter area. So, I grabbed my iPhone, turned on the camera, and grabbed the shot. Daughter said “Always the photographer…” and chuckled at me.
We carried the food home, had a blast with the birthday celebration, and then I watched the boys play the new game for a bit. However, the action got too heavy for me (too much fast turning) and so I decided it was time for this old man to hit the rack.
I deeply enjoy being around them. This is something I’m going to miss. But, it’s time to move along and there are other people I want to see too. So, I’d better git…
This green leaf is holding on tight in defiance of oncoming winter!
On Walkies a few days ago, the Girl and I came upon this little leaf struggling to get through the surrounding fallen leaves. It’s such a defiant little plant, determined to get that list bit of sunlight before Winter closes in and shuts everything down for a few months.
The other plants shed their leaves after displaying a splash of color over the last few weeks. This little fellow seems determined to buck the flow. I like that.
After waffling for days or weeks, I finally decided it’s time for me to move along. I have mixed feelings about leaving here — hugely mixed. This is a safe place. I love Daughter and her family. I love being around my grandsons.
But I also feel like I change the dynamic of the family. I’m uncomfortable with that. It’s not that I think I burden them. But something just feels “off.”
Plus I’d like to see my in-laws, maybe spend a little time in Texas, and then see Youngest Son and my friends in western Nevada.
So, I’m going to move on. I could be back in here a month or two. I don’t know. I really don’t know what I’ll do past seeing my in-laws. There’s no reason to worry about it. It is what it is… or it will be what it will be.
I made this capture more than ten-years ago. Wife and I were on an outing to the Barnes & Noble in Lubbock — it was still in the strip mall where Circuit City and other stores were magnets — and having a great day. We were sitting near the big windows near the front of the store, looking at books or magazines or what-not. It doesn’t matter. We were together and we were enjoying the time out.
Of course, I had a camera on me. She caught me in the act of capturing her candid portrait. I have another capture from that morning of her entire face. But it was these eyes that captured my photographer’s vision. I also adored her eyes. I’m so glad I have this image in my collection.
Yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 63-years old, had lymphoma not taken her from us.
She died early on a Saturday morning. I know I write about this too often, but it is my reality and it’s my weblog. Saturdays will always be a little hard on me. While everyone else is looking forward to the beginning of their weekend, I have that little reminder in the back of my mind that pokes me now and again to remember that Saturday morning. No, it’s not morbid; it is, though, a reminder of my loss and a part of my history.
So, the weekend was a downer for me. I remember celebrating her birthday, if not with family and friends, then with each other. I used to tease her about being married to an older woman… or about robbing the cradle… or about being a cougar. Sometimes I teased her about all three. Then I’d catch a bit of Hell on my birthday when I “caught up” for a few months.
I am thankful for all those years we had. I wish we’d had more, at least a couple of them. Near the end, that’s all I wished for… a couple more years so we could celebrate life together for just a little longer.
I still weep a bit now and again. The memory of Wife remains close at hand. Some tell me that they’re proud of me for being strong, for doing what I need to do to continue moving forward. Perhaps… More likely I’m just surviving for the moment because I have no idea where the path goes. I don’t know if there is one path before me or a countably infinite number of them. Maybe that doesn’t matter either. Maybe my task is just to put one foot forward. Maybe clarity will come from that.
I don’t know.
What I do know, however, is that I miss Wife and that yesterday was her birthday. Happy Birthday Old Girl! I still miss ya!
Once again it’s time to remember what happened on September 11, 2001. I recall the incident well, my astonishment and horror at watching the aircraft crash into the buildings. Then the aftermath — the burning buildings, desperate people jumping from so high up that the time to ground seemed interminable, then the ultimate collapse of the structures.
A couple of generations ago there was Pearl Harbor. My generation has 9/11. I will not forget, nor will I forgive.
