Category: family

Thanksgiving and Travel

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The entry to the little church at the cemetery where Dad is buried.
The entry to the little church at the cemetery where Dad is buried.

While in Rolla, I visited Mom/Dad’s plots at the local cemetery. My intent is to have a plaque placed to memorialize Wife at the foot of Mom’s plot. So, we looked around while I was there, talked a bit, and I got the contact information needed to make the call.

After they left, the Girl and I kicked around the cemetery a bit more, me hoping to find a geocache (and to just spend some time outdoors without it raining). There was no geocache, but the Girl and I had fun spending outside time together anyway.

I elected to drive out to Pilot Knob to pay Dad’s gravesite a visit. Although he died in 1995, I still talk to him and wish I had some of his insight and wisdom to draw on. I know he’d tell me to make up my own mind, but he had a way of asking questions and telling stories that provided some of the perspective I always seem to lack.

It’s beautiful little cemetery, tidy, well-kept, peaceful. I saw that my stepmom is still alive. I wandered around there for a bit, talking to my Dad and thinking back on the time we spent together. Those few days before he died are especially poignant. I remember standing on the front porch of his house, watching a thundershower and listening to the lightning — safe a dry… until the wind shifted and blew the rain in on us. Then we scattered back into the house to keep dry. I’m still laughing although it was 20-years ago.

On the way out I noticed the geometry of the entry to the little church. It needed a capture, so I made one.

The geocache across U.S. 63 was not to be found. The Girl and I had a nice hike anyway, at least until she was spooked by shotgun fire across the way. She needed no coaxing to hop into the 4Runner when we left.

I spent a few more days with Mom/Dad there in Rolla. Thanksgiving celebration was wonderful and I’m honored to have spent it with the family.

I left Monday and stopped in Willard to visit my grandmother. She recently entered a nursing home there and I wanted to see her. She just turned 100-years old and that’s old by any measure. That she was in a nursing facility was not good news. As I expected, she’s not doing well and I think she’s ready to die and be released of her struggle. I can’t blame her for that and she greeted me with the same smile and grace that she’s always had, just weaker and tired. She went back to sleep as I spoke to her.

I wandered down through Arkansas the last couple of days, spending a lot of my time on State Highway 23. I collected a couple of geocaches, a few images, and spent a lot of time remembering. Nana will be gone soon. Three years ago Wife was struggling with her radiation therapy and this time of year is always an emotional challenge for me. I don’t think I’ll ever adjust to Wife being gone.

I know this comes up on this space frequently and sometimes it seems like I’m whining. But this is my reality. The loss of someone this close is not something one just gets over. There are times when the loss is more keenly felt and writing about it here is one way I process my grief.

This morning I dropped into Louisiana to pick up a geocache and collect another state. I drove through the northwest corner of the state, remembering the marshlands that make up most of Louisiana. Then I turned west and worked my way into Texas.

I started the process of procuring a marker for Wife. I’ll have it placed at the foot of her mom’s plot. There will be a permanent marker to remember her. I think it’s the last thing that needs to be done.

It felt good to be in Texas again. I stopped in Gainesville to spend the night. Getting access to the Internet was something of a problem, but it eventually was worked out. I got caught up on everything that needed doing and will soon call it a day. I don’t have a long day tomorrow, but I have been waking really early. Plus the Girl needs Walkies in the morning (as do I) and I don’t want to push it too late or it will be dark by the time I get to Lubbock.

I’m looking forward to seeing some family and friends this trip. I missed a bunch of them the last time I passed through, but those were different circumstances. I don’t have as much time as I’d like for this trip, but at least the time I have is mostly mine.

I have many things I’m thankful for. I spent time this morning remembering those things (including people) and prayed as I drove, thanking God for his kindness, grace, mercy, and for permitting me to have to wonderful people in my life.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

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The Girl was napping Saturday afternoon — a good thing to do.
The Girl was napping Saturday afternoon — a good thing to do.

On a sleepy Saturday afternoon, the family was puttering around the house, some watching the Longhorns game (snort), others playing, some working. But the Girl elected to nap after our morning walkies.

We were waiting for the last football game for Youngest Grandson. Older Grandson’s last game was Friday night, but given he’s junior varsity he is required to dress but sits on the sideline… unless they need him to stand in as quarterback. So, Older Grandson’s last game for the season was Friday night.

The Girl though, knew nothing of this nor does she care about football. She knows many things, though — play, walkies, hunting, affection, sleep, snuggles, food (both her’s and begged), and a decided state of just being. And for her, curled up on a warm blanket close to her peeps, where I could sit in the chair, stretch out my legs on the Ottoman, and she could feel my touch — these were good good things, good enough for life to be good.

Later we drove over to the venue as the sun set (too early now, it seems). We found our way to the guest seating but missed the rest of the family in the glare of the sun. Older Grandson retrieved us fairly quickly, though, and we joined our family.

Young Grandson played well in the cold Fall air. It was too cold for us, although I brought the Girl’s blanket along. She was cold and so was I, even with a base layer. It was good to see Young Grandson play out his season. He played well although they lost and were second place in their league.

When the game ended, the Girl and I headed for the 4Runner. When I got in and started the engine, I shook uncontrollably. I was too cold and didn’t realize it until I moved. Then I shivered quite a lot until the vehicle warmed. I didn’t warm until I got some hot chow in me.

Today will be more football, I expect. I think I’ll spend some time sorting through my gear currently stowed in the garage. The family vehicles will need to be parked in the garage soon as Winter comes and so does the snow. I have not yet decided whether to winter here to go somewhere else. My sense is that it’s time to move on for a bit. I think they need a break from me.

I’m not a burden. I’m quiet, I demand nothing, I take little space, I leave folks to do their thing, but provide an additional adult when one is needed. I love to shop with Daughter and contribute to the family budget.

But there is always a change in dynamic when another person is involved. The American nuclear family does not generally include the extended family in a closely-integrated structure. The extended family represents a broader, loosely-connected structure that is not generally part of daily life. My thought is that my presence just changes the dynamic a bit. I don’t know that it is a good thing and I do not want to overstay my welcome.

So, I’m thinking maybe it is time to move on for awhile. I’d like to wander down to Missouri to see Wife’s family, then through Texas to see some friends and colleagues, even if the time is not right to develop any new business. The connections themselves would be good enough. Then I might wander back out to Nevada for a spell to see Younger Son and my friends Jimmy and Les.

I’m not sure just yet… I’m just thinking out loud (kinda-sorta) for the moment.

I also have some project work to do and will need to spend some time on that before the end of the year. So I’ll have to land somewhere with Internet capability at least part of the time.

There is also the issue of cold-weather camping. I am not prepared for that (yet). It’s not something I’ve done before and need to check my gear to be sure I can keep us warm if the weather turns colder than I expect. Or maybe I can research cabins along the way so that I have shelter but can cook for myself and keep my costs down.

I’m also still looking for a camper. I’m thinking that a small camper is the way to go for the next year or two while I figure things out. I’m researching converted busses as a longer-term solution to mobile living. But that will take me some time to figure out and so it’s a long-term project.

And there, my friends, is a random rumination, which is what I do.

Wife’s Birthday

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Wife's EyesI made this capture more than ten-years ago. Wife and I were on an outing to the Barnes & Noble in Lubbock — it was still in the strip mall where Circuit City and other stores were magnets — and having a great day. We were sitting near the big windows near the front of the store, looking at books or magazines or what-not. It doesn’t matter. We were together and we were enjoying the time out.

Of course, I had a camera on me. She caught me in the act of capturing her candid portrait. I have another capture from that morning of her entire face. But it was these eyes that captured my photographer’s vision. I also adored her eyes. I’m so glad I have this image in my collection.

Yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 63-years old, had lymphoma not taken her from us.

She died early on a Saturday morning. I know I write about this too often, but it is my reality and it’s my weblog. Saturdays will always be a little hard on me. While everyone else is looking forward to the beginning of their weekend, I have that little reminder in the back of my mind that pokes me now and again to remember that Saturday morning. No, it’s not morbid; it is, though, a reminder of my loss and a part of my history.

So, the weekend was a downer for me. I remember celebrating her birthday, if not with family and friends, then with each other. I used to tease her about being married to an older woman… or about robbing the cradle… or about being a cougar. Sometimes I teased her about all three. Then I’d catch a bit of Hell on my birthday when I “caught up” for a few months.

I am thankful for all those years we had. I wish we’d had more, at least a couple of them. Near the end, that’s all I wished for… a couple more years so we could celebrate life together for just a little longer.

I still weep a bit now and again. The memory of Wife remains close at hand. Some tell me that they’re proud of me for being strong, for doing what I need to do to continue moving forward. Perhaps… More likely I’m just surviving for the moment because I have no idea where the path goes. I don’t know if there is one path before me or a countably infinite number of them. Maybe that doesn’t matter either. Maybe my task is just to put one foot forward. Maybe clarity will come from that.

I don’t know.

What I do know, however, is that I miss Wife and that yesterday was her birthday. Happy Birthday Old Girl! I still miss ya!

Fumble!

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Too much pressure on the quarterback resulted in a Panthers fumble.
Too much pressure on the quarterback resulted in a Panthers fumble.

At Older Grandson’s game last Friday, the sun came peeking out just before sundown and provided some nice light for a few minutes. I took advantage of the light to shoot some action. Although I was too far away for the best view, the Panasonic DS40 has a lot of reach for a compact camera. That’s one reason I have the little camera — it has more reach than any of my current stable of lenses for the X-T1. The Fuji makes much nicer images, but without the reach much interest would be lost.

So, I take the compact camera to games and sometimes come away with a few nice captures.

Time here with my family is healing. It’s good to spend time with them, even if I’m just watching TV with them or watching them play video games.

A Mother’s Love

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Daughter and Youngest Grandson captured one morning.
Daughter and Youngest Grandson captured one morning.

Hrmmmm… I thought I posted this frame some time ago. Well, no matter.

A few weeks ago I wandered out of my room and noticed Daughter nurturing Youngest Grandson. It is her way of waking him most mornings and a part of their interaction. It was such a sweet, tender moment and screamed for a shot. Neither can be identified from the frame, so I feel safe in posting this.

What I see is A Mother’s Love, which is something that is deeply embedded in us. I can’t recall the number of times I watched Wife with the kids. Her relationship was not the same as Daughter’s is with her family, but yet it is. That means that their behaviors are different but the meaning is the same.

It is about two months and change since I arrived here. It has been good for me to be around Daughter and her family. The craziness of family life is nothing new to me. No, I have not forgotten what it was like. It might have been years ago, but the recollection is still close at hand.

My prayer is that my presence does not disturb their family. I worry that it might, but I am not yet ready to move on toward whatever it is that God has in mind for me. Perhaps that’s fear. I am not yet sure. But I am sure that I love being around this family — my family.

Football Season

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The Bobcats beat the Wildcats in a close game.
The Bobcats beat the Cougars in a close game.

Both my grandsons are involved in football. It’s something one of them loves and the other loves more. It’s my pleasure to support them at practice and at games and at home.

Dad loved football. He played in high school many years ago and talked about it now and again. It was a tradition in my parents’ home that weekend football was something not to be missed. Dad would put on a big pot of soup or stew or beans (with ham) to cook in the morning. We watched the afternoon games (there was only Sunday all day and Monday night football then), cheering and laughing. Even Mom, who really didn’t care much for sports, would join in.

After we moved to Missouri, Wife (then Girlfriend or Fiance) would come up. The smell of simmering soup made us crazy. In between games (or at halftime), Dad would cook fried potatoes (in a cast iron skillet) and biscuits or cornbread. This added to the anticipation of the upcoming meal.

When all was finally ready, we’d grab big bowls of hot soup, sometimes just dumping the potatoes and/or cornbread into the soup — sometimes putting them on the side, and return to the living room to watch the afternoon games.

There was almost always a nap involved at some point. For me, that was often after the meal. I can remember Dad snoring in his recliner. We all laughed about it.

Now, here I am almost 50-years later. I’m enjoying Grandsons’ games. We’re watching football on Saturdays (college) and Sundays (professional). I’m laughing a lot with my family and we’re all disappointed with the Longhorns’ inability to execute. We eat together and this is good.

Grandsons’ games provide me some opportunity to shoot sports. It’s not something I usually do and my place in the stands requires me to use my compact camera (a Panasonic TS40) because it has the reach to make shots from the stands or the sidelines. I’d prefer to use my Fuji X-T1 (and wish I had my Nikons here), but I use what I can to get the job done. It’s fun and I have a few decent frames.

What’s That?

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Spooky GlovesOn one morning that seems so long ago, I took the Girl outside for her morning ritual before we began our day. We were living in Sparks at the time with our beloved friend Jimmy and had settled into a daily routine.

On this particular morning, the Girl was making her sniffy-rounds to determine if any interlopers had trespassed the night before. For some reason, something on the fence caught her eye. I watched her as her “hackle” (she doesn’t have enough outer coat to really have “hackles”) rose, her tail rose, and her posture stiffened. There is a tiny ball of fur that fluffs near the base of her tail (Older Son says she “has a mouse in her tail!”) and that expanded to its maximum dimension.

“Woof!” she said, followed by “grrrr…”. She was alerting me to the fact that there was something unusual on top of the fence.

So, of course, I had to make a capture of both the “problem” and the story. I laughed and laughed that morning. I love my funny Girl.

Then, morning business done, we headed back indoors to collect a few things and go for a long walk. It was a good day.

Pennsylvania and Football

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Football Players“Football season is our busiest time of the year,” Daughter said. She was being honest. It’s been a very busy week. But, I’m ahead of myself.

I finally buckled down and drove out the remaining miles to Daughter’s home. I spent a lot of time on the turnpikes (which I deplore) and another night in a motel. I did pause to pick up geocaches in states where I had not found any so as to collect the “souvenirs” for those states. The pauses gave me an opportunity to see some of the country that I had not seen. But the focus was on “getting there.”

Daughter has a wonderful house. They are in the process of filling it in as time and money allow. The grandsons are wonderful, as I expected. I’m deeply enjoying spending time with them. I’ve watched more TV than I have in years, but it’s fun to simply be with my family.

Daughter is amazing. A deep calm strength emanates from her. There is confidence there and well as competence. The boys are attentive and respectful. I expected that, given their Father. It is good to not have to be the one in charge for a change. I am not the leader here, just a beloved family member. It is good.

I’ve been going to football practice with Daughter and Younger Grandson (YG). Daughter and I sit on the sidelines and observe while YG works. He’s got a great attitude and is not afraid to mix it up a bit. He’s learned a lot, I can tell. I shot a bit of video of his workouts and will share that material with Daughter. She can do whatever she wants with it.

Saturday was the YG’s first scrimmage this year. OG, Daughter, and I sat on the sidelines (along with the Girl in her training vest). It was hot and humid, but not awful. I think I finally got some Sun on my right leg, which is usually shaded by the 4Runner when I’m driving. I have a farmer-tan on my left side and it’s time to balance it out a bit.

The scrimmage was round-robin style. With the exception of one team, it was fun to watch. The lead coach of one team was a total butt. He was screaming at his kids and had a generally bad attitude. I’m thinking he’s a candidate for the antagonist of one of the Karate Kid movies. These are ten-year old boys, for goodness’ sake, not professional players. There’s a lot of learning for them to do and it can be done in a far better way.

Enough of that…

Friday we drove up to Gettysburg to visit the national park. I put the Girl in her training vest and she was perfect! She went right to work, stayed close to me, was very attentive, and did exactly what she was supposed to do. We visited “The Cyclorama,” which is a huge oil painting of Pickett’s Charge and is accompanied by a soundtrack. There were several cannonades, which the attendant warned me about. Although the Girl didn’t like the loud noises, she only trembled a bit and realized this was not thunder.

They made us take the elevator to avoid the escalator. I didn’t remember, but the Girl knows escalators and has no problem with them. I have video of my lead trainer working her on the escalators at the airport last Christmas and the Girl did great. But, she knows elevators too and was fine with it, even as herky-jerky as it was. They put us in the handicapped seats so the Girl could place next to me. I put her in a down-stay and she was fine. The cannon blasts and rifle reports disturbed her a bit, but not badly.

We drove part of the CD-guided automobile tour. The entire place has a sense of the holy about it. I want to go back and spend more time there. They have a number of short hikes to various places that would be good to see. It is also possible to hire a guide to go along to tell the story. I want to spend time there with my cameras, but that will mean getting up early to get the good light.

Pennsylvania reminds me a lot of Missouri. There’s lots of vegetation, the air is warm and humid, and wildlife is abundant. I stepped out the back door with the Girl Sunday morning for her morning outing and watched a wild turkey at the treeline between lots. That was a sight I haven’t seen in a long time.

I’m very happy I decided to come here. It’s good to be with family, I haven’t seen Daughter and her family in two years (since Wife died), and it is good to see new lands.

Healing

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Ki Sleeping Peacefully, HealingFriday afternoon, the Girl and I were out in east Carson City near the Carson River looking for some geocaches. We found the one we were looking for near the Mexican Ditch, I signed the log, and then called her back to me to return to the CacheMobile. When she crossed the fence, she snagged the low wire that was on the ground and lacerated her lower right leg. I checked it and there were a couple small gashes, but not a lot of bleeding.

I checked them a couple more times over the weekend, then decided Sunday morning to call her vet. The wounds weren’t closing and I knew they’d take forever to heal without a suture or two. So, they worked us in.

When we arrived, the tech reviewed Ki’s records and suggested we go ahead and do her annual review. I mentioned her two skin cancers and that the vet indicated we should probably just do it all in one swoop so she would only be subjected to anesthesia once. After the office visit, the on-duty vet agreed and so I left her there.

I knew I’d be lost without her, but I had no idea just how anxious I would become. I did everything I could think of to distract myself, short of buying a bottle of whiskey and numbing. I wasn’t really productive Sunday afternoon, but I got part of the irrigation system working and started the process of taking care of my yard for the summer.

The vet called me about 2030. She was in recovery, doing fine, and I could either leave her overnight (without additional charge) or retrieve her. “I’ll be there at 2100,” I said.

I took her discharge instructions, got all the medications assembled, and then carried the poor baby out to the 4Runner. She was so groggy, unhappy, and felt poorly. I could tell all these things. I put her on her mat in the back seat after an abortive attempt to settle her in the front seat pan where she usually rides. The ride home was challenging, but I put on the overhead light and tilted the mirror so I could see her. We made it fine.

She didn’t want her bed on the floor; she wanted it on the sofa, where she usually has it. (I shut the bedroom door; she didn’t need to be jumping on and off the bed. Yes, my dog sleeps with me.) It’s an easy step up to the sofa for her, so I thought that would be fine. I also got my pillows and a blanket and prepared to sleep on the sofa with her.

She really wanted me close. She wanted the comfort and reinforcement that we derive from each other. I tell people all the time that we are both rescues. It’s true.

I really felt badly for her last night. She was so uncomfortable. I wondered whether I did the right thing by bringing her home instead of leaving her in the vet’s care. I guess I won’t ever know.

She groaned and whined most of the night. I felt her stirring in her sleep and could sense her discomfort. I slept off and on. It wasn’t my first time sleeping off and on with someone I love.

But, she woke more like herself this morning. She was stiff and sore, I could tell. But she was ready for breakfast and I opened a can of wet food, gave her some of it with her kibbles, and gave her the medications that will speed her healing.

We took a short walk at noon and she seemed better. I know that some modest exercise will be good for her. She slept off and on most of the afternoon. I spent much of my day on her, just sitting with her or being close. We are like that anyway.

We walked a mile this evening and she did well. I needed the walk and I think that the movement will help keep her skin stretched and supple. The vet took a lot of skin from her skin cancers.

So she’s healing. Her physical wounds will be healed in a couple of weeks. In the process of reflecting on her treatment and healing, I thought on my own. I realized that I’m still healing from Wife’s loss. I’m healing from the departure of a dear friend and my dog’s trainer. I don’t think I’ve begun healing from my change of employment status from employee to self-employed, yet, but it’s impending.

Healing is good. It takes time. It takes work and an investment of positive energy. I also think the being mindful of the need and the process is important. I am still learning, after all.