Lost Love

ruminator

Lost LoveExcuse me while I refill my whiskey glass… I’m going to write this and then go pack my camera gear. I head out in the morning for southern Nevada to do a site visit for one of my projects. The Girl and I will drive down there tomorrow and do a little light field work in the afternoon. We’ll probably stop for a couple of geocaches on the way, then drive into Pahrump to spend the night. Friday we’ll be in the field with the client. Then we’ll spend Friday night again in Pahrump to drive home Saturday. I plan to drive through Death Valley on the way home, do a little geocaching, and make a few images. I am looking forward to the trip.

I think one of my mistakes is not taking a weekend a month and driving somewhere. The road time is good for my head. The sights of new places is good for my eyes. The Girl is good for me. I have no idea what she gets from our relationship, but she obviously gets something from it. She seeks out my time and attention (except when she’s pissed at me for whatever doggish reason — hmmm… sounds kinda like girlish reason, doesn’t it?). She wants to go when I go and stay when I stay. I don’t exactly understand, but it doesn’t matter. The relationship works.

A few days ago we walked up to the community mailbox to retrieve the mail. While I was there, I noticed this fallen rubber band, either lost or discarded. I don’t know which. But the shape of it reminded me of the traditional heart-shape we use in our culture. The light was fairly interesting. The only camera I had with me was my Moto X. So, I made the shot with a phone-camera. The camera you have with you is the best camera.

I posted this on my social accounts. DiL commented she would have noticed the heart-shape too. She’s an artist; I’m not. But I loved the comment anyway.

I titled this “Found, Lost Love” or “Lost Love, Found.” Both work, I think. The only post-processing was addition of the vignette to draw the eye to the geometry of the rubber band.

But the reference goes much deeper. A year ago we were in the thick of it. Wife had been sent home by her medical team to die. They did what the could. The cancer did not respond to radiation treatment. There was nothing left to do. The stress on Wife to make the 82-mile journey everyday was telling. She was losing strength daily. She had lost her ability to speak and most of her mobility. It was not a good place to be.

She didn’t want to give up. I know her. I know how she thinks. Surrender was not an option. But, although she didn’t want to give up, she knew she wasn’t improving. In the end, when asked, she said “I want to go home and rest.”

I think those were the most difficult seven words I ever heard. It broke my heart to realize that this was it. All the work, the travel, the hope, and the fear peaked in those few words.

The staff came by to say goodbye. They knew. They have seen it all before. Everyone leaves their care at some time. Some go home healed, completely or partially. Some go home to die. It’s part of the gig. But they were sincere and compassionate and it was an honor to see them salute Wife’s effort to get relief from her disease. We brought her home that afternoon, all of us quiet, reflecting on what we learned and what was coming. And so the vigil began.

A lot of my emotions rose when I saw the heart-shaped rubber band the other afternoon. I instantly made the connection of a lost-love, found. My love is lost, gone from this life forever. I want no other and as my year-of-firsts approaches its end, nothing is really changed. Wife is gone and will not be returning.

I still wonder what to do with that. My expectation was that I would retire, fully or partially, and we would do the things we talked about for so many years. With her demise, that’s changed. In this new life, I am moving to a second career as a photographer and writer. But no longer will I be husband and lifemate.

What does this mean? What does any of it mean? Is there anything of significance in this?

I’m not sure I have any answers. All I know is that I carry on. I’ll work a few more years in my current engagement, so long as enough work exists to keep me employed. Then I’ll move to a new phase of my life, providing my health holds, and take on a few engineering assignments that interest me. They will pay well. I intend to spend the rest of my time traveling to see my family and to make images of interesting places and things as well as write about my experiences.

I know what I believe. I am not a religious man. But I have faith. What I believe cannot be proven. That changes nothing about how I intend to conduct myself. Regardless of whether my faith proves true or false, I intend to live what I believe. My hope is that Wife and I will have “time” to talk again. I would love that. But I cannot know because it can’t be proven.

Flight Rules

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I am not sure where I came across the following set of rules for pilots, but they seem appropriate for so many things. Therefore, I thought I should share:

  • Rule Number 1: Keep the aircraft in stable flight.
  • Rule Number 2: Should the aircraft depart from stable flight, see Rule Number 1.
  • Rule Number 3: Any landing should be considered safe if the aircraft and pilot both survive in flyable condition.
  • Rule Number 4: It costs nothing except pride to go around for a second approach if the first (or nth) approach does not appear to be viable. See Rule Number 3.
  • Rule Number 5: Do not run out of fuel. Heavier than air aircraft are called that for a reason. Gravity still works.

Monday Morning

ruminator

rocksI captured this image Saturday morning on our hike and just love this image. It was just a little late in the morning and the light is a bit flat, yet the texture of the granite outcrop is there and the muggle sign is plainly evident.

Why someone was moved to spray paint the rock is beyond my understanding. It’s a form of environmental vandalism and I don’t like it. The rocks have a natural beauty and tell the story of the landscape without paint.

But, the Girl and I had a good time exploring these rocks. I looked for a geocache; she looked for wabbits. When I called her in, she was grinning and panty. What a funny girl.

We heard voices coming from down the hill. Another couple of groups formed up for the hike. It was getting late anyway and I had a few more things to do. So we headed back for the 4Runner and for the house. On the way down the hill, I kept the Girl close. A couple of hikers approached from the opposite direction, so I asked her to sit while they passed.

“That’s a well-trained dog,” an older man said.

“We work hard at it.”

“Well, it shows…”

He’s right, of course. She wanted to run over and sniff them. She thinks everyone wants to be greeted. I generally make her wait until she’s invited, because so many people are either afraid of dogs or are uncertain about pit-looking dogs. We don’t need to encourage bad (human) behavior. But, she waited patiently (off leash) until they passed and then we continued back down the hill to the 4Runner. She ran over where they passed and sniffed around, peed (of course), and then we were on our way. She stayed close all the way back to the truck.

She’s a good girl… funny and quirky, just like her dad. But she’s a good girl and my best friend.

Later that day we drove to Sparks to meet Jimmy and have coffee. While we were hanging out at the Camera Clinic, another photographer we met last summer entered the store. Jimmy knows him well. The photographer was telling a story about how he waited for two hours for an eagle to fly off its perch so he could capture the launch. As he described how “Of course, it flew that way!” he stepped forward, sort-of toward me, and quickly stretched out his arm to indicate the eagle’s direction.

I heard a very low “grrrrr…” emanate from the Girl. She dropped her head and took a step forward. I called her back and asked “What was that?”

But, I quickly figured out that she took the photographer’s step forward and outstretched arm as a threat. He was warned. He quickly called her over, held out his hand, then sat on the sofa to pet and reassure her it was all good. She was fine. She just didn’t care for the sudden motion in my general direction and the intensity of his projection.

Did I say she’s my best friend?

Now it’s Monday morning, early. I have a few things to accomplish today. Later this week I head for a field trip to walk one of my project sites in southern Nevada. The time out will be good for me. I’m hoping for some time to capture some images while I’m out and about. I might even have time to find a geocache or two.

I put away my Keurig this morning. I’m still going to use it, but for everyday use it’s pretty expensive. The prefilled K-cups cost about a buck apiece. I was using three or four of them per day. That’s a lot of bucks. Mr. Coffee will make a pot for about a quarter. I preheat my Stanley thermos bottle with hot water and it keeps my coffee warm all morning.

The Keurig is a great machine and one I’ll continue to use when I just want one cup of coffee. But, when I want my morning coffee, I’ll make a pot and save myself some bucks.

Surfacing

ruminator

xmasAfter ending 2013, I woke early 1 January 2014, made a cup of coffee, and sat down to think about the upcoming year. I remember that my dad was born on New Year’s Day. He would have been about 80-years old, give or take a few years. He died too young and I still miss him. Although he was not free with his counsel, it was his thoughts I sought and miss. Although he was not highly educated formally, he was highly educated in the school of hard knocks. He had wisdom that was hard-gained.

My brother-in-law called me on New Year’s Day. It was a good chat and he’s a man I respect and who also has seen plenty of hard times.

I then dug into my financial review of 2013 and my financial plan for 2014. In poking around for a budget planner for Moneydance (my accounting tool), I came across a link to You Need a Budget (YNAB). I read through some of their materials and downloaded a demo copy of the software. Their approach is based on four simple rules.

It took me most of the day to get my head around how their approach works. It boils down to “budget the money you have today.” This is followed by “spend last month’s income this month.”

This is an interesting approach and one I’ve been thinking about quite a lot. I haven’t lived from paycheck to paycheck in a while. But, last year I managed my cash flow very carefully because of Wife’s final medical bills, in part, and because I think I was compensating for my loss by spending money. I wasn’t stupid, but I wasn’t necessarily wise. My plan for 2014 was to be current and have enough cash in my checking account to cover the month’s expenses at the beginning of the month. The plan was to not be concerned about cash flow.

The second part of my plan was to clear all obligations except for my house and my car. The third part was to maximize my 401k contribution and regularly put money into savings for emergency use.

After reviewing the YNAB approach and the software, I bought a license for Young Son and myself. (It helped that Steam had the software on sale. I spent a good part of the day setting up my accounts and planning the next couple of months as well as a general plan for the year.

By the end of this month I will be clear except for my house and my car. I will meet one of my goals early this year. The maximum contribution to my 401k will hurt my disposable income, but I’ll be fine. I’ll adjust my spending and choose wisely how I spend my income. I probably won’t make my savings goal by the end of this year, but I’ll be better off that I was. This is a good thing.

After all of that work, yesterday morning I decided that the Girl and I needed a change of venue for morning walkies. So, we drove over to Jacks Valley Wildlife Refuge and walked out there. The Girl had a blast and I blew my legs humping it up the hill. But I found a couple of geocaches and had some nice views. I’ll post a couple of pictures over the next few days.

Another of my goals is to spend time making images. I intend to do that with both film and digital cameras. We’ll see how I do this year.

Reflections 2013

ruminator

Backlit SagebrushThe end of the calendar year is always a time to remember, to reflect, and to look forward to what a new year brings. The actual date is irrelevant; in my country and culture the year ends on 31 December. Other countries and cultures might use a different day, but the effect is the same — a year is ending and a new year is beginning.

The Semisonic Song has a famous line Every new beginning comes from some other new beginning’s end. I used that line any number of times in my writings over the years and probably will again. It fits so many things so well. So it goes with the ending of a year and the beginning of a new year.

The celebrations tend to excess. I won’t be celebrating like that. I will retrieve Young Son from his journey to SoCal and we’ll return home. I expect we will spend a little time reflecting on the year together and remembering Wife/Mom. It seems appropriate.

As I think on 2013, it was a year of changes — some of them life-changing. I saw Wife through the end of her cancer and her life. That was a watershed event, culminating almost two years of diagnosis, treatment, rediagnosis, re-treatment, and uncertainty. She died on 19 January 2013 after the last-ditch efforts of her medical team failed. It was one of the hardest things to say goodbye.

It took me months to get my feet back under me. My struggle with the life change of losing my life-mate continues. It is not as intense as it was early in 2013, but so many things remind me of my previous life. It was not a life I wanted to give up; like Wife, it was taken from me when she died. I do not yet know what I am to be or to do, but I keep working on it.

Work all but dried up in 2013. I offered my resignation twice; both times it was rejected. I am expensive and I worry my expense drags the company down. But I’m also not quite ready to move on. Perhaps my principal engineer is right and we are about to turn the corner on work. I am willing to give it another six months, reevaluate at that time, and assess the current project climate. I am confident I can find enough contract work to keep myself fed if it comes to that. Or I could take on a teaching job, work on that nine months of the year, and spend my other time traveling, photographing, writing, and doing some contract work.

My Girl contracted leptospirosis on our way home from a Texas marketing trip. She was a sick girl and I thought I might lose her. I was unprepared for that. She pulled through the infection and is herself again. The thought of losing her so soon after losing Wife was unbearable.

I began shooting film again in 2013. I experimented with film a bit in 2012, but never posted any results. I bought my first medium-format camera in 2013 and expect to shoot medium format quite a bit in 2014. I’ll shoot 35mm when I need the portability of the smaller camera.

Late in 2013 I bought a medium-format film scanner. I’m still learning to use it and I think it has a problem with its sensor. If so, it will be exchanged. I will be spending time in 2014 learning to use the scanner so I can scan new images and old. I have many, many old negatives and slides that should be scanned to be preserved.

I made a few prints in 2013 from some of my favorite frames. This is now an important part of my life, the making of photographs. I don’t yet know what 2014 will bring in this regard, but I am considering posting a few of my best prints locally to determine if there is any interest in them as fine art.

I added quite a few new recordings to my collection. In particular, I picked up the back catalog of Mason Proffit. Over the years, I really enjoyed much of the Talbot brothers’ work. They were the core of Mason Proffit. I can see how MP became an influence on much of the music that followed them.

I found myself looking for Andrew York’s recordings. Andecy is one of my favorite solo guitar songs. He has a few recordings made over the last 20 years and I picked them up. They are wonderful recordings and the material is interesting.

I am going to take a few online photography classes in 2014. I am working my way through a Photoshop tutorial at the end of 2013/beginning of 2014 now. The objective of the tutorial is to learn alternative methods to simple desaturation to obtain quality black and white images. In January there will be an online class. The instructor will review four captures and post-processing of them and share results in a webinar. This is an easy way for me to get some training.

Learning is important, particularly as we age. I think learning new skills and expanding one’s knowledge keeps the brain active and healthy. It’s also good physically, particularly if you use skills (like photography) to get out and move around.

In January I’ll drive down to Ash Meadows Wildlife Sanctuary for a project I’m working on down there. The Girl will go with me. We’re going to drive back through Death Valley, then through Owens Valley. I’ll use the trip to do a little geocaching and make some images. The Girl will do her usual things — looking for rabbits, peeing, pooping, and sniffing… and keeping track of me.

In January I’ll end my Year of Firsts. I think I will celebrate on 19 January 2014. It will not be a celebration of Wife’s death, but a celebration of her life, her passage into whatever is next for us, and my survival of my first year without her. I will have experienced each of those special days that were important to us as a couple, felt the loss, felt the absence of my friend and soul mate, and survived.

My friend Jim wrote to me “It’ll suck less, but it’ll still suck…” He’s right and that simple statement is something I held on to all year and will continue to hold on to in 2014.

I expect there will be several Texas trips in 2014. I need to show my face to potential partners and clients.

I expect to make at least one trip to Denver to see Older Son and DiL, one to Rolla, Missouri (to see Wife’s family and some of mine), and a trip to the east coast to see Daughter and her family. I’m hoping to make those road trips because road trips are healing to me. I want to take the Girl as well. She’s an excellent traveler. I will also take my cameras along with me.

I expect a Sony A7r will be in my future sometime in 2014. I think my Sony NEX-5N is an excellent camera; surprisingly so. The largish APS-C sensor is as big as most dSLRs in a very tidy package. It has some quirks, but as a box to hold a sensor it’s very good. The metering and exposure systems work very well and it makes accurate exposures. I really like the electronic viewfinder with focus peaking. Because the camera uses manual focus lenses in stop-down mode, the EVF increases the gain so the viewfinder is bright and easy to use. Focus peaking makes getting critical focus much easier than an optical viewfinder (at least for me). Depth of field is relatively easy to gauge. Although Sony’s line of lenses is restrictive and their zooms plainly suck, use of vintage glass through adapters make these little cameras something very special.

I am expecting the Sony A7r to improve on my NEX-5N. It has a full-frame sensor and more pixels than I need. It will mean that cropping will be much easier for those captures where I just couldn’t get close enough. It will be an interesting pairing with the Pentax medium-format film camera, as well as the Nikon film cameras.

I will be developing my black and white film using caffenol, a coffee-based developer. I expect that work to “develop” in a couple more weeks. I have the chemistry in the house and only need a couple more tools to make it all work. Those should be delivered in a few more days.

I plan to take a weapons training class sometime in 2014. These classes are very good for me physically and mentally. Knowledge of use of firearm and blade for personal defense is critically important in a culture that celebrates violence. Although it’s unlikely I’ll ever experience an assault, the probability is not zero. It would be irresponsible for me to be unprepared. My personal view is that such unpreparedness is akin to eschewing insurance.

I worked out that I am on-track to fully retire in ten years. I could partially retire in six more years. I examined both worst-case and expected scenarios for my retirement portfolio and I should be OK financially. Of course, the end of the world could happen and break those plans. But that uncertainty is part of life. If it happens, I’ll figure out how to deal with it.

I am sure there will be other new things for me in 2014. One thing about life that’s interesting is that no matter how well it’s planned, shit happens. Sometimes it’s good shit and sometimes not. But, shit happens.

Enough ruminating for today and for the year. Happy New Year! Be safe, enjoy, and be blessed!

A Flicker

ruminator

A couple of weeks ago I put my Konica Hexanon 300mm f/4.5 telephoto lens on my Sony NEX-5N and the tripod. I have a Vanguard TBH-250 on top of a set of Manfrotto 3021 legs. It’s a good combination of ball head and sturdy legs. It’s a lot stronger than I need for the Sony, but it’s very stable with that combination.

I put a polarizing filter on the lens and then watched the birds working the feeder on the side fence. Wife and I used to love watching these birds work and kept the feeders full. I thought this bird to be a European Starling, but my friend Leslaw tells me it’s a Northern Flicker. It’s related to the Red-Headed Woodpecker. (And that reminds me of a Wife story…)

The Hexanon is a very good telephoto lens. I was shooting at about f/8, ISO 400, and probably about 1/2,000th of a second. Enjoy…

Bird

Raptor

ruminator

On morning walkies yesterday, I noticed a raptor fly in and light on one of the power poles. I had my Sony NEX-5N with a Komine-build Vivitar 200mm f/3.5. As I approached, the big bird watched me. I paused every few steps to make a capture. Then I’d advance another few steps. Finally, at about 150 feet, the bird bailed. I wasn’t quite ready to capture the lift off, but it was certainly beautiful.

My friend Leslaw tells me this is Swainson’s Hawk. It’s favorite food is grasshoppers. It’s a little late for grasshoppers here and I’m surprised the raptor hasn’t migrated to South America.

Raptor

Mountain Rocks

ruminator

Mountain Rocks

Merry Christmas and remember why we celebrate the day. It was a baby boy born some 2,000 years ago that changed the world.

My friend Jimmy loaned me a Tokina build 70–210mm f/3.5 Vivitar Series 1 zoom lens in Nikon mount a couple of days ago. I was complaining about Tokina lenses. (The truth is I have another Tokina-branded lens in about this focal length, but a bit slower, and its sharpness is nothing to write home about. But I digress…) He told me to go shoot it and then report back. So I did.

It was a bit late for good light, but I noticed enough interesting contrast on the hillside a mile or so away to make a capture. I wanted to play some with black and white conversions in Photoshop and needed a few frames. So, here is an early example of a Photoshop conversion to black and white. I used a bit of curves to adjust the white and black points. I adjusted the contrast curve slightly. Then I used the Photoshop black and white tool to make the conversion.

It’s basically the equivalent of a yellow filter (for film) with the yellow dialed back just enough to moderate the highlights in the brightest of the rocks. I’m taking a class to learn to do some of these things. I’m not really Photoshop literate. I think it’s time I learned something about this tool.

Ki and Me

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KiI didn’t get the post quite right in this image. I think the mid-tones are a little off. Yet I like the image because it captures some of the character of my Girl.

The terrier in her wants to be lead — the alpha. I accuse her of “following from the front,” just like I used to my children. She doesn’t really know where we’re going, although she knows many of our regular paths. She runs out ahead searching for “wabbits” I suspect, sniffing, peeing, and sometimes pooping to tell other passers-by “Ki was here.”

To keep her honest, I often call her back in with a “Heel!” If that doesn’t do it, then she gets a touch from the collar. That usually brings her back with a snort. I’ll tell her “Don’t you snort at me!” She often responds with what I call a “blow” — a strong exhale. That’s as if to say “Yeah, right.”

She is a terrier. I call her my “terrible terrier” many times. But she’s really not terrible.

If I wasn’t the leader, then she would be. That’s nature of alpha dogs, be they male or female. She doesn’t really challenge my authority, but she tells me what she wants. I sometimes accuse her of “telling me what I want.” Then again, I used to accuse Wife of same.

Speaking of Wife, I think about her a lot right now. A year ago we were really in the thick of it. With lymphoma cells in her central nervous system, she was scheduled for a marathon MRI study on Friday. I could tell it was bad, although I couldn’t tell her that. I think she knew anyway, although she generally kept her thoughts to herself. It became more difficult for her to interact — speech was difficult. It became more difficult for her to see as well. She complained of double vision.

I knew all this most likely meant she had lymphoma in her brain. The fever, nausea, and physical effects were apparent to me, whether the doctors would confirm or not. I knew Wife was dying.

It would be confirmed for me in a few days when the report of a brain lesion came back from the MRI study. The finality of her disease would be revealed in a couple more weeks. Although I couldn’t be certain, I knew what was happening. My sense of impending loss was heavy. I recall it so clearly now and I feel that heaviness. I suppose this is common, but it’s a first time for me. I am still in my “year of firsts.”

So, on this Christmas Eve I recall the events of last year. I don’t think my intent is to make myself feel bad. Hell, I already do that enough without any help. I think I want to hang on to those memories for they are a part of what defines Wife’s character and my character. They are watershed events that lead up to my change of status from husband to widower.

In a few more weeks I will complete my “year of firsts.” I wrote, I think poorly, about moving forward but not moving on. I am leaving behind my former life as husband and the husbanding of Wife. That is a fact. But I don’t want to move on — that has a sense of deliberation that I don’t have. That is, a sense of deliberate change as if I had left her. I did not. I would not. That is not in my nature.

No, I see this as a time to move forward. I was released from my responsibility as husband when Wife died. Almost all the things that needed to be done after her death are complete. The amount of things to deal with is reducing weekly. Eventually I will achieve my goal of dropping things that are no longer wanted or nor longer useful. I see that as the sign it’s time to move forward to new things.

That means it’s time to figure out what those new things should be. I have part of a plan assembled. It isn’t complete, at least not yet. But it’s a beginning. That will have to be good enough.

Ki needs me. I think I need her more than she needs me. But it’s a good partnership and we have a great interspecies friendship. For now, it is Ki and me.