Moving Forward, Not On

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BewareI intended to write something this weekend, but chores got the better of me and I didn’t get it done. I’ve been thinking quite a lot as Christmas approaches. You see, Christmas was Wife’s holiday. I think she lived for the season. She loved to give gifts at Christmas.

As I reflect on the year past, it’s clear I’ve been dealing with the fallout from losing a spouse. There was more than just the business affairs to handle. There was an accumulation of 40 years of stuff, much of which I no longer want or need. So, in parallel to dealing with my emotions, my grief, I spent a lot of time dealing with things. Many of them were donated to charity. In fact, most of them were.

I’m approaching the end of this phase. I’m also approaching the anniversary of her death. It’s not an anniversary to celebrate, not in the normal sense of celebration. I will, however, celebrate her life and remember her. As my friend Jim says, “It sucks less, but it still sucks.”

I sense the need to move forward. I’m not really moving on, because that implies something I am not doing. These changes didn’t come by any choice, but by circumstance. I’m not leaving Wife behind because she’s no longer here. I am, however, prepared to move forward to whatever is next for me.

I’m still working out what that should be. For one thing, my expenses are reduced and I’ll be saving more of my pay. It’s time to get serious about padding my retirement account so I’ll have funds to draw from when the time comes I cannot (or don’t want to) work so much.

For another thing I intend to pursue more art. I am working on my photographic skills. As the chores around the house are reduced, I’ll feel free to do more weekend trips. I want to drive out to the coast and spend some weekends out there with a camera. I want to drive up into Oregon and Idaho, and maybe Washington to explore and make images. There will also be some geocaching to do as I wander about. I have a lot of Nevada left to explore.

I might face a change of engagement some time along the way. Work has been slow this year. There are some projects in the pipeline that should provide me with chargeable time. I’m hoping that 2014 will provide enough work to justify my continued employment. If it doesn’t, it will be time to think of a change. I’m not OK with drawing pay and not having enough to do.

In any event, I’m ready to move forward. I want to do some things besides working here at the house and staying home most of the weekends. It’s time.

Pentax 645

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Pentax 645Although it wasn’t in my plan to buy a medium-format SLR so soon, one became available a couple of weeks ago on fleaBay. The initial price was a bit high (think KEH retail) so I just watched. The seller lowered the price twice, the second time with a starting bid of $400. So, I set a snipe bid and waited. I won the auction and took delivery of a nice Pentax 645NII medium-format SLR.

Unfortunately it came with no lens. What use is a camera with no lens? This set into motion a bout of GAS (Glass or Gear Acquisition Syndrome for the uninitiated), which, unfortunately, generally causes gas (yes, the ruminating variety) in the afflictee.

One morning about a week ago I found myself obsessing over the purchase of the gear and supporting infrastructure. I’d been waffling for a couple months on film scanners. Nikon Coolscan 9000s are selling for about $3K and up, which is about 3x their original retail price. They’re great scanners, but are discontinued and so parts will become difficult to find sooner than later.

Given I’d bought a medium-format camera, I had two ways to go — I could send out the films for scans (or have them scanned when processed) or I could buy a film scanner. I have a ton of old 35mm negatives and slides that need to be scanned and archived. I am committed to shooting film, both 35mm and medium format (and eventually large format). The test scanner I bought last year is fine for mounted slides, but the film transport is awful. It can be done, but requires a lot of fiddling to get the frames centered. It’s not acceptable.

So, I gave myself a mental kick-in-the-pants and pulled the trigger on the last of the medium-format rig and ordered a Plustek Opticfilm 120 film scanner. It has a decent reputation although it started weak. Apparently there was a problem with some of the early film holders that prevented sharp focus of the scanner’s imaging system. They figured it out and although they haven’t completely rectified the problem, they’re testing each unit before releasing it for sale and that solved the problem.

I am publicly committing to spending a year working with film in both 35mm and medium format (6×4.5) sizes. I wrote in my journal this morning that I completed the easy part — buying the equipment and researching film and developers.

Now it’s time to get after it and go shoot film. It will be work, but making art is work. I can do the technical part. I need to determine whether I can do the art part.

I have some early experiments that I’ll use to make some test scans this weekend (or next week if I get out to shoot this weekend). I know I have an archive of black and white negatives from the 70s and 80s somewhere in my house. I want to scan my archive because it contains some interesting images from almost 40-years ago.

This is what I said I wanted to do. I’ve been working up to it for about a year. Now the question is whether I can and will do it, or be just another wannabe. I’m fixin’ to find out.

Tennessee Ernie Ford

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A Country ChristmasWhile working through my Christmas music collection, I heard a couple of songs by Tennessee Ernie Ford, an old-school country singer (and a crossover artist as well). I was reminded of his work in radio, recording, and television.

I loved his big voice and his style. In reading the Wikipedia article about him, I felt a major sense of nostalgia roll over me. I’m not so sure why I feel this way, but it often happens to me when I think about how things were when I was young. It seems things were simpler, less aggressive, less narcissistic. Entertainment was more wholesome and nothing like what we have today.

There was plenty of evil. But I don’t recall the celebration of violence and baseness that seems to prevail in entertainment today.

Perhaps I’m just filtering. But that’s how I feel.

Mason Proffit

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Last Night I Had the Strangest DreamI know it’s not really the time to write about music that isn’t holiday-related, but when have I followed convention… not often (but sometimes).

Over the last couple of weeks I fleshed out my collection of Mason Proffit recordings. There are a couple I don’t have, but they are compilations or the double-album re-release of earlier work. So, I think I’m satisfied.

I’ve listened to these recordings a few times, mostly in between Christmas recordings. I can’t quite do a steady holiday-music diet. I need some variety to keep me interested.

Bareback RiderWhen I listened to the music in chronological order, the progression of their work was apparent. Their songwriting grew as they continued working. The musicianship was always first-rate, but I think John’s banjo and guitar work improved.

Rockfish CrossingBoth the songs and the recordings hold up to the test of time very well. As was common during the time, the bass is rolled-off a bit and doesn’t have the punch that modern recordings have. That’s probably more a reflection of the technology of the 1970s, but it might relate to production values. I don’t really know why, but the difference is noticeable. (And these aren’t the only recordings from the period on which I’ve noticed this.)

This is good work. My old friend Ben reminded me of Mason Proffit indirectly a couple of months ago. I’m glad he did and I’m pleased to have their work on my library. I love good music and this music reminds me of some great times with family and friends.

Please?

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Ki Golden GateThe other evening Young Son and I ate the last of our leftover pizza. While we were eating, we watched an episode of my latest addiction, Dexter. When the pizza was gone, Young Son retrieved a couple of cookies from his fiance’s care package and offered me one. I accepted, of course. I’m not stupid.

The Girl sat at my feet, looking at me with those asking/demanding eyes she can do. I usually share a bit of my food with her, not on demand, but like a good alpha when I feel it’s appropriate. So she got a bit of my peanut butter cookie.

The cookies consumed, we continued watching Dexter. I noticed the Girl sitting before Young Son. He got down on the floor with her. She was in her please sit. He got a paw and it was clear she was asking for something.

Finally, he said to me “What does she want? She gave me a paw. She’s asking for something.” I thought for a few minutes.

“Do you want a cookie?” I asked her. I got eyes. So I got up and got a couple of Girl-cookies from her stash and sat back down (Dexter was paused). She sat at my feet, nuzzling the hand with the biscuits. I held them, watching her. She worked and worked at my hand, trying to lick a biscuit from my grasp or hook it with a canine tooth. I talked to her and laughed while she worked, then finally relented and let her take one from my hand.

The other was still hidden in my paw. She finished the first and asked for the second, which I presented when she laid down on command.

Satisfied that she had her own cookies, she hopped onto the sofa on her mat next to me. Young Son came over and sat on the sofa next to her. She settled right down and we finished our episode of Dexter together.

She wanted her own cookies. She asked nicely. It took us less-sensitive humans a bit to figure it out, but we did.

A Distraction

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If you keep a dry eye while watching this1,then you have no heart.

I found the link on Facebook, clicked it, and watched the clip. These are people dealing with a life-threatening or life-ending illness. Dealing with the illness and the treatment takes over everything. I know this personally.

The gift given these people and all of us through them is a moment of relief from that constant pressure. It’s simply astounding.

1Update: Dead link…

Movin’ Toward Happiness

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Movin' Toward HappinessI wrote about them a few entries ago, but Mason Proffit was the band assembled by the Brothers Talbot back in the late 1960s. They put together a country-rock sound that was fundamental to a number of very successful bands that followed them.

The brothers became Christians and moved on to other projects, coming together for a couple of records and then departing to walk their individual paths. I like their music.

Movin’ Toward Happiness arrived this afternoon. I immediately put it in the computer to rip to FLACs and MP3s. I will collect all of the Mason Proffit records, at least the main records. (I’m not sure the compilations/re-releases will work for me.) This is music I should have had decades ago.

There is a certain sadness that goes with this work. For one I remember all the times this music was part of my life not long after we were married. There’s poignancy there. Second, I’m reminded that things change, people grow, and nothing remains the same.

Young Son and I were remarking about the changes in our lives this evening. We miss Wife/Mom, but we move along trying to make a good life without her. I think none of us like it much, but it’s what we do. With practice, I think it will get better. We’ll keep after it.